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Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn lot of money, others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. Discuss both the views and give you own opinion. v.1

Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn lot of money, others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. v. 1
It is an inevitable indisputable fact that many people are suffering from obesity problem and it has been staggering over the years due to lack of awareness about the health and fitness. Do you think following a good diet and regular fitness can improve the health? Well, let us discuss the crucial causes and the solutions which can be taken to resolve these issues. Firstly, the problem of obesity has been growing significantly due to many reasons. Although some people have hereditary issues, while many people are not cautious about the future dangers which can wreck their long life. In addition, many individuals are addicted to street foods and eatables which lack minerals and high proteins without acknowledging their body fitness and health issues which further might lead to diabetes, thyroid, cancers etc. For example- oil and sugar content foods are the most dangerous foods to include in the diet as these might lead to heart attacks. Secondly, there is a misinterpretation that we cannot completely solve this issue, however we can control them by avoiding some foods which should not be taken in our diet. The Government should take some awareness programs about which foods can be taken at what time. Furthermore, companies have to encourage their employees to work out in their company's gym in the leisure time and monthly sports competition can boost them to work efficiently. These measures are proven viable and crucial to decrease most of the obesity problems. For example- women are more affected than men as they do not get time to work out with their household works. To conclude, I am inclined to the highly effective measures which can be taken by higher authorities and also organisations for their employees health and fitness, still it depends on every individual to maintain their physique as to avoid chronic diseases for their longevity.
It is an inevitable indisputable fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from obesity problem and it has been staggering over the years due to lack of awareness about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
. Do you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
following a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
diet and regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
? Well,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us discuss the crucial causes and the solutions which can
be taken
to resolve these issues.

Firstly
, the problem of obesity has been growing
significantly
due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have hereditary issues, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are not cautious about the future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
which can wreck their long life.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals
are addicted
to street
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and eatables which lack minerals and high proteins without acknowledging their body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues which
further
might lead to diabetes, thyroid, cancers etc.
For example
- oil and sugar content
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
to include in the diet as these might lead to heart attacks.

Secondly
, there is a misinterpretation that we cannot completely solve this issue,
however
we can control them by avoiding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which should not
be taken
in our diet. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
awareness programs about which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
can
be taken
at what time.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
encourage their employees to work out in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's gym in the leisure time and monthly sports competition can boost them to work
efficiently
. These measures
are proven
viable and crucial to decrease most of the obesity problems.
For example
- women are more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
as they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
time to work out with their household works.

To conclude
, I
am inclined
to the
highly
effective measures which can
be taken
by higher authorities and
also
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
for their employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
,
still
it depends on every individual to maintain their physique as to avoid chronic diseases for their longevity.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn lot of money, others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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