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In many cities, many people are living in large apartment blocks. Does this accommodation have more advantages or disadvantages? v.2

In many cities, many people are living in large apartment blocks. Does this accommodation have more advantages or disadvantages? v. 2
Today's generation, teenagers are more fond of computer games. A number of people think this has bad influence on every aspect of the child. A few think it has some positive impact on the child's growth. I would like to discuss both views regarding, how it helps in developing skills at the price of their health. Firstly, games have been the fundamental way of teaching skills to children. Growth in technology made computer games popular among teenagers. In addition to that, playing games such as puzzle based or online strategic games, develop soft skills and team build techniques. Simultaneously, meeting new people with like minded and sharing ideas became possible with virtual games. For an instance, the research paper published by "Standford University" explains, children who play video games are 10 times more productive and multitasking compared with other members who do not play games. Secondly, dedicating ample amount of time playing games, will lead to several health related issues among children. Problems such as, back pain, joint pains and eye related are common because, most of the games played using computer require the player to be seated and staring the screen all the time. To illustrate, the sales of eye wear increased 72% year over year, making children as prime users aged between 10 to 16 years, among which most them were gamers. To sum up, no doubt there are some pros involved in playing video games. However, these skills are achieved at the cost of problems related to health, proper care should be taken to overcome such issues and enjoy quality time playing.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
's generation,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are more fond of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. A number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence on every aspect of the child. A few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the child's growth. I would like to discuss both views regarding, how it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
at the price of their health.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have been the fundamental way of teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Growth in technology made computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
popular among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
In addition
to that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as puzzle based or online strategic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, develop soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and team build techniques.
Simultaneously
, meeting new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
like minded
and sharing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
became possible with virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. For an instance, the research paper published by
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Possible spelling mistake found.
Standford
University
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who play video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
more productive and multitasking compared with other members who do not play games.

Secondly
, dedicating ample amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, will lead to
Possible agreement error. The noun health seems to be uncountable; consider using: "some health".
several health
related issues among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Problems such as, back pain, joint pains and eye related are common
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
played using computer require the player to
be seated
and staring the screen all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. To illustrate, the sales of eye wear increased 72% year over year, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as prime users aged
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 10 and 16".
between 10 to 16
years, among which most them were gamers.

To sum up, no doubt there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pros involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
However
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are achieved
at the cost of problems related to health, proper care should
be taken
to overcome such issues and enjoy quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many cities, many people are living in large apartment blocks. Does this accommodation have more advantages or disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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