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Some people argue for a broad university education in which students learn about many different subjects. Others argue for a specialized university education in which students learn only about specific field of study. Which position do you agree with? v.2

Some people argue for a broad university education in which students learn about many different subjects. Others argue for a specialized university education in which students learn only about specific field of study. Which position do you agree with? v. 2
In university you can study a comprehensive major which gives you information about different subjects of science or a major in which you can learn only about a specific field of study. Some people agree with the first case and argue for the other one and some believe in converse. I personally believe that it depends on what is your purpose and interest for your future career. Obviously, being specialized in a specific field of study would be highly important according to two essential desires in people. The first one is the strong enthusiasm for learning a considerable amount of information and skills in your favorite field. For instance, if you are interested in painting you seek to study illustration in art college to satisfy your ambitions and make your wishes come true. The second eager which requires you to proceed a definite major is your ideal job. Since, for a large number of jobs you must acquire some specific skills and knowledge to be able to be employed in. However, broad university education would be beneficial in some cases. It can help conducting some careers which are engaged with several aspects. Since, I personally experienced in my job as a high school math teacher. I found out for being an efficient teacher not only should I be expert in teaching mathematics, but also I ought to know how to behave with children. Definitely, besides having complete knowledge in mathematics and tutoring skills, I should know about psychology to put up with their behaviors and manage the class. Furthermore, some people are interested in various subjects and like to study all of them. Therefore, the broad education which provides a variety of information about different subjects would be decent for them. In conclusion, Although some professions requires expert people, you might need to be knowledgeable about several different fields of study for some particular occupations.
In
The comma is probably missing here: "university, you".
university you
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
a comprehensive major which gives you information about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
subjects of science or a major in which you can learn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
first
case and argue for the other one and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe in converse. I
personally
believe that it depends on what is your purpose and interest for your future career.

Obviously
,
being specialized
in a specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
would be
highly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
according to two essential desires in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The
first
one is the strong enthusiasm for learning a considerable amount of information and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in your favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
.
For instance
, if you
are interested
in painting you seek to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
illustration in art college to satisfy your ambitions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
your wishes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
true. The second eager which requires you to proceed a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
major is your ideal job. Since, for
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
jobs you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
acquire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge to be able to
be employed
in.

However
, broad university education would be beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases. It can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to conduct" or "conduct".
conducting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
careers which
are engaged
with several aspects. Since, I
personally
experienced in my job as a high school math teacher. I found out for being an efficient teacher not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
should I be expert in teaching mathematics,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
I ought to know how to behave with children. Definitely,
besides
having complete knowledge in mathematics and tutoring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, I should know about psychology to put up with their behaviors and manage the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
in various subjects and like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
all of them.
Therefore
, the broad education which provides a variety of information about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
subjects would be decent for them.

In conclusion
, Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
professions requires expert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, you might need to be knowledgeable about several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular occupations.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people argue for a broad university education in which students learn about many different subjects. Others argue for a specialized university education in which students learn only about specific field of study. Which position do you agree with? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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