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Some people advocate students going to school for 9 months a year in a row and take a rest for 3 months, while another point of view favors three months of school with one month of rest. Which do you prefer? v.1

Some people advocate students going to school for 9 months a year in a row and take a rest for 3 months, while another point of view favors three months of school with one month of rest. Which do you prefer? v. 1
In our society, many people believe that competition is a vital component in establishing a positive personality and behaviour. Parents for instance, always say that life is a constant battle and in order to become successful, training children to become competitive in the early stage of their lives will be helpful. However, some argue that rivalry is not that beneficial and might cause negative behaviours to children. In this essay, I will closely examine both views, and would state my own opinion regarding the matter. On the first side of the argument, people argue that rivalry is advantageous. In their point of view, structuring an environment under a context of the match will be challenging and will establish the need to strive and work harder to attain a particular goal that many aims. Therefore, contesting enhances motivation and gives a sense of fulfilment. For instance, children in nursery schools join different contests and compete with other children. They try to do their best and maximises their resources to win the championship because of the reward that they may get from their parents or teachers. On the other hand, some people believe that the drawbacks outweigh the positive effects of competition and teaching the child to cooperate are better. They explain that cooperation allows children a chance to understand and adjust to the needs of other children, hence, training them to become more sensitive individuals in the future. For example, in our home, I have never felt that my mum encouraged competition between me and my younger sister. She always says that each has her own unique talents and skills that should be enhanced and be shared with one another. Hence, every time that we need to do some task, we would rather help one another than to compete. In summary, establishing a competitive and cooperative environment has its own merits. However, in my opinion, teaching children to cooperate is more beneficial in honing a mature and useful individual.
In our society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that competition is a vital component in establishing a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
personality and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. Parents
for instance
, always say that life is a constant battle and in order to become successful, training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become competitive in the early stage of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
will be helpful.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that rivalry is not that beneficial and might cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In this essay, I will
closely
examine both views, and would state my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion regarding the matter.

On the
first
side of the argument,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that rivalry is advantageous. In their point of view, structuring an environment under a context of the match will be challenging and will establish the need to strive and work harder to attain a particular goal that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aims.
Therefore
, contesting enhances motivation and gives a sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in nursery schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
contests and compete with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They try to do their best and
Possible spelling mistake. 'maximises' is British English.
maximises
their resources to win the championship
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reward that they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from their parents or teachers.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the drawbacks outweigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects of competition and teaching the child to cooperate are better. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
that cooperation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a chance to understand and adjust to the needs of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
hence
, training them to become more sensitive individuals in the future.
For example
, in our home, I have never felt that my mum encouraged competition between me and my younger sister. She always says that each has her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
unique talents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that should
be enhanced
and
be shared
with one another.
Hence
, every time that we need to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
task, we would
rather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
one another than to compete.

In summary, establishing a competitive and cooperative environment has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
merits.
However
, in my opinion, teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to cooperate is more beneficial in honing a mature and useful individual.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some people advocate students going to school for 9 months a year in a row and take a rest for 3 months, while another point of view favors three months of school with one month of rest. Which do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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