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The pie chart below show reasons why people left the UK for other countries and why people stayed in the UK. v.1

The pie chart below show reasons why people left the UK for other countries and why people stayed in the UK. v. 1
Nowadays, many children spend much time playing computer games and ignore physical activities. This essay will explain why I consider it a negative trend. On the one hand, spending too much time on computer games without doing any physical exercises can have many detrimental effects on children such as health problems and isolation. Firstly, since designers create their games to be highly engaging, children cannot resist their temptation to stop playing games. Such games, which bring friendly contents like animated cartoon characters, will certainly encourage children, especially kids, to spend the whole day playing. As a consequence, they may be prone to many well-being problems such as obesity and poor eyesight in the long run. Besides, if children play aggressive video games, they may become more aggressive and desensitize to the real-life violence, which may keep them socially isolated from their friends. Therefore, they may find it hard to make friends, which can limit their prospect of success later on because success is often built on a supportive network of contacts. On the other hand, the enhancement of the physical and mental development of children is mostly contributed by sports. Firstly, one major benefit of playing sport is that it can be a helpful way of reducing stress and do wonders for children’s health. In addition, by playing sports, they can not only make new friends, but learn to be a team member. When they participate in one sport such as football, it enables them to establish connections with others and understand the importance of team building, which is often considered as an excellent preparation for adulthood. In conclusion, it is true that children nowadays spend much time on computer games play down sports. For all the reasons mentioned above, I believe this trend does more harm than good.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend much time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
physical activities. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I consider it a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend.

On the one hand, spending too much time on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
without doing any physical exercises can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
detrimental effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
such as health problems and isolation.
Firstly
, since designers create their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to be
highly
engaging,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot resist their temptation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which bring friendly contents like animated cartoon characters, will
certainly
encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
especially
kids, to spend the whole day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
. As a consequence, they may be prone to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
well-being problems such as obesity and poor eyesight in the long run.
Besides
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play aggressive video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they may become more aggressive and desensitize to the real-life violence, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them
socially
isolated from their friends.
Therefore
, they may find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends, which can limit their prospect of success later on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
success is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
built on a supportive network of contacts.

On the other hand
, the enhancement of the physical and mental development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
mostly
contributed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Firstly
, one major benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is that it can be a helpful way of reducing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and do wonders for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health.
In addition
, by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, they can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
learn to be a team member. When they participate in one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
such as football, it enables them to establish connections with others and understand the importance of team building, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered as an excellent preparation for adulthood.

In conclusion
, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nowadays spend much time on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
play down
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. For all the reasons mentioned above, I believe this trend does more harm than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie chart below show reasons why people left the UK for other countries and why people stayed in the UK. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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