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In many countries, more and more young people are unable to find jobs after graduation. What problems do you think youth unemployment will cause to the individual and society? What can be done to cope with this problem? v.1

In many countries, more and more young people are unable to find jobs after graduation. What problems do you think youth unemployment will cause to the individual and society? What can be done to cope with this problem? v. 1
Even in our modern society, one cannot deny that luck sometimes has been considered in relation to success. But many people are of the belief that success is the prize, which only hard workers may achieve in their life. In this essay the reasons why I agree with the latter idea. First of all, in my perspective working harder may increase the chance of success. As a matter of fact it works as a lottery machine which can print lots of chance cards for a person and make him a winner. For instance, those who works more than usual employees (10-12 hours a day) will have double chances than the ones who leave work earlier (6 hours a day). The proportions of reaching a goal are much higher when you try different routes to it. Working harder this way is rather more related to success than willdering around searching for luck in order to bring fortune into your life. Secondly, the term success in my believe is no about the short term goals like money and instead about the long term ones which are constructing an infrastructure of achievements in our life. Something that can't be demolished easily. For example a successful businessman like an entrepreneur isn't the rich one, but the one who can gather himself up after each failure. A hardworking characteristic always makes his effort until he achieve what is determined to be achieved, While on the other hand the lucky one don't understand the value of his mistakes and may break behind an easy obstacle in his career leading to losing his job. In conclusion working hard has an unbounding relationship with the correct meaning of success. The more We go deeper the less We found luck in relation with success.
Even in our modern society, one cannot deny that luck
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
has
been considered
in relation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is the prize, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
workers may achieve in their life. In this essay the reasons why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in my perspective working harder may increase the chance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. As a matter of fact it works as a lottery machine which can print lots of chance cards for a person and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
him a winner.
For instance
, those who works more than usual employees (10-12 hours a day) will have double chances than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
work earlier (6 hours a day). The proportions of reaching a goal are much higher when you try
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
routes to it. Working harder this way is
rather
more related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
than
Possible spelling mistake found.
willdering
around searching for luck in order to bring fortune into your life.

Secondly
, the term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in my
Did you mean "belief" (noun) instead of believe (verb)?
believe
is
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
about the short term goals like money and
instead
about the long term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
which are constructing an infrastructure of achievements in our life. Something that can't
be demolished
easily
.
For example
a successful businessman like an entrepreneur isn't the rich one,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the one who can gather himself up after each failure. A hardworking characteristic always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
his effort until he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "achieves", "achieved".
achieve
what
is determined
to
be achieved
, While
on the other hand
the lucky one don't understand the value of his mistakes and may break behind an easy obstacle in his career leading to losing his job.

In conclusion
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
has an
Possible spelling mistake found.
unbounding
relationship with the correct meaning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. The more We go deeper the less We found luck in relation with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay In many countries, more and more young people are unable to find jobs after graduation. What problems do you think youth unemployment will cause to the individual and society? What can be done to cope with this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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