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While many people opine that drug smugglers should be punished by death row, others completely oppose this idea and argue that a less severe punishment should be in action. Recently, Australia urged Indonesia not to execute drug smugglers on death row. v.1

While many people opine that drug smugglers should be punished by death row, others completely oppose this idea and argue that a less severe punishment should be in action. Recently, Australia urged Indonesia not to execute drug smugglers on death row. v. 1
In the present age, It is an undeniable fact that drug abuse has become a sparked debate all over the world, including Indonesia are taking part of this issue, mainly because Indonesia is one of the largest ocean countries of the world. There is a growing number of people who argue that drug abuse, in Indonesia, is considered as the biggest issue compared to the worldwide’s cases because Indonesian government are not seriously taking some measures to tackle this problem. These people thought that by executing drug smugglers on death row measured as the best solution to reduce such case. From my point of view, I strongly disagree with this statement, and in further paragraphs, I will support my opinion by some examples. To begin with, first and foremost, Indonesia is one of the largest multicultural countries and one of the biggest democratic countries all over the world. When Indonesian government officials decide everything related to policies, including drug smugglers, they have to consult with other stakeholders, namely practitioners, expertise, academicians, and societies as a whole. According to a new Indonesia president point of view, death row or death penalty, as well as Indonesian, called it, is not a proper solution to deal with this kind of problem mainly because it will lead to another problem. To implement this punishment is not as simple as it looks and there some implications. Furthermore, there are a variety of the possible solutions to cope with this issue. Firstly, the government should analyse the reasons behind drug smuggling that are conducted by both Indonesian and foreigners. Secondly, they have to implement strict rule both in airport and seaport, for instance, if officers on duty in both areas are not  doing their work properly, for example, suspected of bribery with drug smugglers, the government have to punish them with a brutal punishment. Lastly, Indonesian government coordinates with other countries how to deal with this view. To sum up, whether or not drug smugglers should be punished by death row, from my view, death row is not the right
In the present age, It is an undeniable fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
abuse has become a sparked debate all over the world, including Indonesia are taking part of this issue,
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Indonesia is one of the largest ocean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
of the world. There is a growing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
abuse, in Indonesia,
is considered
as the biggest issue compared to the worldwide’s cases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Indonesian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
are not
seriously
taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures to tackle this problem. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that by executing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smugglers
on death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
row
measured as the best solution to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
such case. From my point of view, I
strongly
disagree with this statement, and in
further
paragraphs, I will support my opinion by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
first
and foremost, Indonesia is one of the largest multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and one of the biggest democratic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
all over the world. When Indonesian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
officials decide everything related to policies, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smugglers
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
consult with other stakeholders,
namely
practitioners, expertise, academicians, and societies as a whole. According to a new Indonesia president point of view, death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
row
or death penalty,
as well
as Indonesian, called it, is not a proper solution to deal with this kind of problem
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will lead to another problem. To implement this punishment is not as simple as it looks and there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
implications.

Furthermore
, there are a variety of the possible solutions to cope with this issue.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
the reasons behind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
smuggling that
are conducted
by both Indonesian and foreigners.
Secondly
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
implement strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
both in airport and seaport,
for instance
, if officers on duty in both areas are not
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
doing their work
properly
,
for example
, suspected of bribery with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smugglers
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
punish them with a brutal punishment.
Lastly
, Indonesian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
coordinates with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
how to deal with this view.

To sum up,
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smugglers
should
be punished
by death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
row
, from my view, death
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
row
is not the right
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay While many people opine that drug smugglers should be punished by death row, others completely oppose this idea and argue that a less severe punishment should be in action. Recently, Australia urged Indonesia not to execute drug smugglers on death row. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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