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Which is better for students’ education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 3-month study and 1-month break? v.2

Which is better for students’ education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 3-month study and 1-month break? v. 2
Views differ considerably when it comes to the issue of which is better time span for student’s education. Some people contend that students should attend concentrated education, while others assert that students may take part in education that has interval gaps. Both of opposite arguments appear to be somewhat convincing and stand to reason. Honestly, as for me, I agree that students should choose the education of 3-month study and 1-month break. The reasons are stated as follow. First of all, students have less attention span and attending study for 9 months would make students severely distracted in class. The report, which established by Taiwan University, indicates that people only have 50 minutes for continuously concentrating on what they make important on. That is to say, students cannot sustain focusing on their study exceed 9 months. On the other hand, if students attend study that exceeds 9 months, they would be easily distracted by homework or other factors. Secondly, students are lazy and attend study for so long would be too much workload for them. Take my friend Joe for example. In my university, teachers assign homework every class and ask students finishing on time, and Joe always stalls until last day. Thus, if students attend long-term classes, they must accumulate unfinished homework until the deadline. Consequently, students may finally fail to pass the course and they actually do not gain skills that teachers teach for. That is to say, students are not suited for 9 months study. Last but not least, students care about study performance and participating in 3-months study help them developing those. For instance, people often get ideas and crucial factor when they are on vocation. To be specific, they need proper rest to inspire their brainstorming and interval break is a better choice for students. On the other hand, if students do not have appropriate rest time, they may feel tired so that they must be less creative and exhausted. As a result, students may have less study performance when they take continuous 9-months study. To conclude, as some reasons mentioned above, I believe that students attend short-term education is better. Namely, due to distracted issue, lazy problem, and study performance, I definitely support that students participate in education: 3-month study and 1-mouth break.
Views differ
considerably
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the issue of which is better time span for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
contend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
concentrated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, while others assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
that has interval gaps. Both of opposite arguments appear to be somewhat convincing and stand to reason.
Honestly
, as for me, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should choose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
3-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
1-month
break. The reasons
are stated
Did you mean "as follows"?
as follow
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have less attention span and attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
for 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
severely
distracted in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. The report, which established by Taiwan University, indicates that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have 50 minutes for
continuously
concentrating on what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
on.
That is
to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
cannot sustain focusing on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
exceed 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
that exceeds 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
, they would be
easily
distracted by homework or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are lazy and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
long would be too much workload for them. Take my friend Joe
for example
. In my university, teachers assign homework every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and ask
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
finishing on time, and Joe always stalls until last day.
Thus
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
long-term classes, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
accumulate unfinished homework until the deadline.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may
finally
fail to pass the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
course and
they actually do not gain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that teachers teach for.
That is
to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are not suited for 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
study.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
care about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
performance and participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
3-months
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
The verb 'in' is used with an infinitive: "to develop" or "develop".
developing
those.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and crucial factor when they are on vocation. To be specific, they need proper rest to inspire their brainstorming and interval break is a better choice for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do not have appropriate rest time, they may feel tired
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be less creative and exhausted.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
performance when they take continuous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
9-months
study.

To conclude
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons mentioned above, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
short-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is better.
Namely
, due to distracted issue, lazy problem, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
performance, I definitely support that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
3-month
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and 1-mouth break.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
52Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Which is better for students’ education: 9-month study and 3-month break or 3-month study and 1-month break? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
379 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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