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Some parents think its good to have their children mobile phones, others disagree? Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some parents think its good to have their children mobile phones, others disagree? v. 2
In the modern world, mobile devices can be seen among the general population, because it is essential for communication. As a result of that, many parents are considering to allow their children to have a phone. However, some individuals believe using a mobile device can be detrimental for teenagers, which is I strongly agree with. Firstly, Communication has become vital in nowadays. With a busy lifestyle, many parents have to work due to an increasing amount of living costs. So they have to take care of their children remotely, and calling them time to time is vital to maintain a connection with their family. Moreover, a situation like emergency contact, having a piece of communication equipment can be acceptable in some cases. As an example, children can be missing or late to come home, via mobile phones they can easily contract or tracking them down. Secondly, technology has been developing a mobile device as a multifunction unit, which no longer used only for calling. There are many options like watching movies, playing games, and access to the internet. So it seems many teenagers have been addicted to their mobile devices which negatively affect one there day to day activities. In Addition to that, it is known that there modern social media is not suitable for children due to numerous negative and abused content. Without using a mobile phone without adult supervision can be negatively affected their lives. Finally, using a smart phone is vital for everyone in order to maintain proper communication. However, I believe children should not use mobile equipment can be detrimental.
In the modern world, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
among the general population,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
.
As a result
of that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents are considering to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe using a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
can be detrimental for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, which is I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Communication
has become vital
nowadays is used without 'in'. Use simply: "nowadays".
in nowadays
. With a busy lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work due to an increasing amount of living costs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
remotely
, and calling them time to time is vital to maintain a connection with their family.
Moreover
, a situation like emergency contact, having a piece of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
equipment can be acceptable in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases. As an example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be missing or late to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
home, via mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
they can
easily
contract or tracking them down.

Secondly
, technology has been developing a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
as a multifunction unit, which no longer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for calling. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
options like watching movies, playing games, and access to the internet.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it seems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have
been addicted
to their mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
which
negatively
affect one there
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
activities.
In Addition
to that, it
is known
that there modern social media is not suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
due to numerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
and abused content. Without using a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
without adult supervision can be
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Finally
, using a smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is vital for everyone in order to maintain proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
.
However
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobile equipment can be detrimental.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents think its good to have their children mobile phones, others disagree? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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