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Q: Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Q: Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
More and more people nowadays are sharing their personal information with technology companies to gain access to software applications. This essay will argue that despite there being the dangers of personal data being sold to other companies, the benefits of access to updated technology far outweigh the drawbacks. Most of the software companies request the user to share their personal data of their mobile phones and laptops which is later sold to advertising companies. These third party applications then send notifications and pop-ups whenever the user uses internet services. The pop-up advertisements are generally related to the most searched or typed topics of interest by the user. For example, a recent survey conducted by the Cyber Security Department concluded that 89% of the advertisements that pop-up on the internet are the once searched on Google. However, sharing data over internet to these companies is at the discretion of the user and they must be conscious of their own actions. Gaining access to software helps in acquiring new and updated versions of these applications. That is to say that this is the easiest way of keeping yourself up-to-date with the latest technology which makes life easier. For instance, Google Pay is an application that requires users to share their Bank details. This mobile application allows a user to pay electricity bills, mobile bills, and other purchases made over the internet instead of personally making payments at the concerned offices, all through the bank maintained by the user at any time of the day. This benefit means that the person has enough time to carry out other important works without worrying about the payments. In conclusion, gaining access to new applications to make life easier in return of personal information to companies far outweighs the drawback of data being sold to advert companies.
More and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays are sharing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information with technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to software
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applications
. This essay will argue that despite there being the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
being sold
to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to updated technology far outweigh the drawbacks.

Most of the software
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
request the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
user
to share their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
of their mobile phones and laptops which is later sold to advertising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
. These third party
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applications
then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
notifications and pop-ups whenever the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
user
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
internet services. The pop-up advertisements are
generally
related to the most searched or typed topics of
In English, people don't say "interest by'. They say, "interest in'. Did you mean "interest in"?
interest by
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
user
.
For example
, a recent survey conducted by the Cyber Security Department concluded that 89% of the advertisements that pop-up on the internet are the once searched on Google.
However
, sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
over internet to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
is at the discretion of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
user and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be conscious of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
actions.

Gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to software
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in acquiring new and updated versions of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applications
.
That is
to say that this is the easiest way of keeping yourself up-to-date with the latest technology which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
life easier.
For instance
, Google Pay is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
that requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
to share their Bank
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
. This mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
application
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
user
to pay electricity bills, mobile bills, and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
made over the internet
instead
of
personally
making payments at the concerned offices, all through the bank maintained by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
user
at any time of the day. This benefit means that the person has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to carry out other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
works without worrying about the payments.

In conclusion
, gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applications
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life easier in return of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
far outweighs the drawback of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
being sold
to advert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Q: Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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