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Mobile phones and the Internet are very useful for old people. However, this section of population is the fewer users of mobile phones and the Internet. In what ways can mobile phones and the Internet be useful to the old people? How can the old people be v.2

Mobile phones and the Internet are very useful for old people. However, this section of population is the fewer users of mobile phones and the Internet. In what ways can mobile phones and the Internet be useful to the old people? How can the old people be v. 2
Although advanced technologies such as cellphones and the Internet, it is observed that few the elderly use them. There are several benefits of using cellphones and the Internet and some effective methods should be taken to encourage the old to apply these technologies. To begin with, it is undeniable that cellphones and the Internet bring significant advantages for the elderly. Firstly, it is the easiest ways for them to keep contact with their children or friend by making calls. Smart phones server calls, video calls and connect the Internet while the Internet supports several free communicating ways for people to contact directly such as facebook, vibe, skype. Therefore, the elderly are probably to meet their friends and children almost time they want by using these application. As a result, old people do not feel lonely anymore. Secondly, old people often weak, being likely to go out as adults, so they may access alot of information for entertainment and online shopping. For example, they might order food, clothes and transfer money through the Internet. They also read online books without going library or they can watch extremely interesting movies. However, there are several efficient remedies to promote the elderly to use these technologies. Owing to their age, it is a bit difficult for them to approach new technologies. Thus, their children should teach them how to use, showing them clear benefits of the technologies which will attract them to use. In addition, senior citizens usually have weak eyesight, so they should buy cell phones, computers or other devices which have big keyboards and screens to see easily. When understanding and using clearly, I believe that senior citizens may spend much time on them. In conclusion, although approaching new technologies is difficult for the elderly, there are some advantages for using them. It is also responsible for families’ members to motivate and support to take benefits for old generation.
Although advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
such as cellphones and the Internet, it
is observed
that few the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them. There are several benefits of using cellphones and the Internet and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effective methods should
be taken
to encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
to apply these technologies.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is undeniable that cellphones and the Internet bring significant advantages for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
.
Firstly
, it is the easiest ways for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
contact with their children or friend by making calls. Smart phones server calls, video calls and connect the Internet while the Internet supports several free communicating ways for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to contact
directly
such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
facebook
, vibe, skype.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
are
probably
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their friends and children almost time they want by using
Did you mean "this application" or "these applications"?
these application
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not feel lonely anymore.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
weak, being likely to go out as adults,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they may access
Possible spelling mistake found.
alot
of information for entertainment and online shopping.
For example
, they might order food, clothes and transfer money through the Internet. They
also
read online books without going
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
library or
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
The extreme adjective for interesting is "fascinating", or "exciting".
extremely interesting
movies.

However
, there are several efficient remedies to promote the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
. Owing to their age, it is a bit difficult for them to approach new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
.
Thus
, their children should teach them how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
, showing them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
benefits of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
which will attract them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
In addition
, senior citizens
usually
have weak eyesight,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
cell phones, computers or other devices which have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
keyboards and screens to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
easily
. When understanding and using
clearly
, I believe that senior citizens may spend much time on them.

In conclusion
, although approaching new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
is difficult for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages for using them. It is
also
responsible for families’ members to motivate and support to take benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
generation.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Mobile phones and the Internet are very useful for old people. However, this section of population is the fewer users of mobile phones and the Internet. In what ways can mobile phones and the Internet be useful to the old people? How can the old people be v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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