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Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. Discuss both view and give your opinion. v.8

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 8
The Mobile phones play a vital role in offsprings life. A great of individuals claim that providing Mobile phones for children is a positive idea. However, others oppose the view. I believe that smart device should be opened to infants despite some considerable risks are evident. Those who hold the assumption that smart phones will be negative indicate several points. Firstly, if growing sexes consume the device, they will addicted to it. As a result, he will lack socialization which will lead him to alienate from society as well as his peers. Secondly, a host of doctors prevents to utilize various electronic devices because of its virulent impacts. Children will suffer a variety of diseases by operating it. For instance, In India, reports demonstrated, approximately 34% emerging infants are suffering cancer, fever and nearly 23% children cannot familiarize themselves with their mates because they pressed electronic screen exorbitantly. On the other hand, although Mobile set has some drawbacks, it is definitely significant for children. The prime reason may be to introduce them to the remaining world, no other medium is as effective as Mobile phones. Furthermore, they will have cognizance since childhood, which will brighten their career. For example, In the USA, most infants are encouraged to consume handsets before ten years. Therefore, their career opportunity is better than who are prohibited to use mobile services. To conclude, if children are permitted to have smart sets, they can illuminate their future significantly in spite of having few demerits. I believe, to tackle the challenges, a multiplicity of growing offsprings will press smart devices to do favour themselves.
The Mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
play a vital role in
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
life. A great of individuals
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "claims"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'claim' is not always incorrect.)
claim
that providing Mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.
However
, others oppose the view. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
should
be opened
to infants despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
considerable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
are evident.

Those who hold the assumption that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
indicate several points.
Firstly
, if growing sexes consume the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
, they will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "addict"
addicted
to it.
As a result
, he will lack socialization which will lead him to alienate from society
as well
as his peers.
Secondly
, a host of doctors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
to utilize various electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its virulent impacts.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
will suffer a variety of diseases by operating it.
For instance
, In India, reports demonstrated, approximately 34% emerging infants are suffering cancer, fever and
nearly
23%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot familiarize themselves with their mates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they pressed electronic screen
exorbitantly
.

On the other hand
, although Mobile set has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, it is definitely significant for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The prime reason may be to introduce them to the remaining world, no other medium is as effective as Mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
Furthermore
, they will have cognizance since childhood, which will brighten their career.
For example
, In the USA, most infants
are encouraged
to consume handsets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
ten years.
Therefore
, their career opportunity is better than who
are prohibited
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobile services.

To conclude
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are permitted
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
sets, they can illuminate their future
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
having few demerits. I believe, to tackle the challenges, a multiplicity of growing
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
will press
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
to do
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
themselves.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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