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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of fitness are decreasing. what do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.1

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of fitness are decreasing. what do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 1
Weight and fitness are two significant factors in one's life. A great deal of individuals surpasses their weight limit considerably, which leads them to loss health control. I believe that, unhealthy foods and lacking physical exercise embark the drawbacks. Furthermore, to surmount the challenges, salubrious diets and ample morning walking will be conducive. There is a host of reasons why people are becoming ponderous. Firstly, countrywide health hazard goods likewise vegetables, daily commodity foods are available. As a result, they have those meals which cause more fat and more weighty than they should have. Secondly, they hardly continue their corporeal exercise such as sports, gym. So, they aggravate their health and reduce slimness. For example, statistics demonstrated that, a noteworthy number of citizens of India suffered high-weight inconveniences which hinder them to play cricket, football, badminton. On the other hand, to overcome the fatal problems, contamination-free foods which exclude cholesterol have to be had routinely. Then, they should admit in gym clubs which will be accessory to regulate their expected weight. In addition to them, individuals have to do jogging every morning. Moreover, to have a healthy and fit body, morning walking play a vital role. Because, people can breathe fresh air, which will promote their physique to prevent from fitness declining. For instance, some leading doctors in the USA suggest that, only nutritious foods can be a curable method to regulate weight and regular morning exercise can save one's slim body. To conclude, maintaining weight and smartness is an assiduous task. In my opinion, taking effective nutritious foods and regular exercise, the problems can be conquered definitely.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Weight
and fitness are two significant factors in one's life. A great deal of individuals surpasses their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
limit
considerably
, which leads them to loss health control. I believe that, unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and lacking physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
embark the drawbacks.
Furthermore
, to surmount the challenges, salubrious diets and ample
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
morning
walking will be conducive.

There is a host of reasons why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are becoming ponderous.
Firstly
, countrywide health hazard
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
likewise
vegetables, daily commodity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are available.
As a result
, they have those meals which cause more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and more weighty than they should have.
Secondly
, they hardly continue their corporeal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
such as sports, gym.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they aggravate their health and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
slimness.
For example
, statistics demonstrated that, a noteworthy number of citizens of India suffered high-weight inconveniences which hinder them to play cricket, football, badminton.

On the other hand
, to overcome the fatal problems, contamination-free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which exclude cholesterol
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be had
routinely
. Then, they should admit in gym clubs which will be accessory to regulate their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
.
In addition
to them, individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go jogging".
do jogging
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
morning
.
Moreover
, to have a healthy and fit body,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
morning
walking play a vital role.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can breathe fresh air, which will promote their physique to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
from fitness declining.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
leading doctors in the USA suggest that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
nutritious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
can be a curable method to regulate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
and regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
morning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
can save one's slim body.

To conclude
, maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
and smartness is an assiduous task. In my opinion, taking effective nutritious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, the problems can
be conquered
definitely.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of fitness are decreasing. what do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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