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Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phone, while others disagree. discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.3

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phone, while others disagree. v. 3
A few parents believe that children should own a mobile handset while others have a different point of view. The use of mobile phones by minors have been associated with major academic distractions, lack of family time and other vices, the only benefit a child derives from owning a handset is easily accessible. Hence, I disagree that children be given phones. Children generally lack the ability to be self disciplined. This is because, they enjoy gratification and spend long periods with phone applications, such as, games, pop-up adverts and films. In addition, minors can be on the phone all day long, disregarding the academic work, homework and family time, which would eventually have an adverse effect on the child, such as poor academic grades and obesity. For example, The world health organization quotes, 80% of childhood obesity are due to lack of activity, this is linked to the use of handsets. Thus, in my opinion, children should not be given mobile handsets. On the other hand, children, who have handheld devices are easily accessed by family members, relatives, and friends, home and abroad, rather than sending letters which take days to weeks to be delivered. They are able to communicate easily and receive advice in the face of any challenge they face. For instance, a 12 year old cousin of mine, who missed his way back home from school easily reached out to his mother on his mobile phone and retraced his steps. Despite this benefit, I still hold on to the opinion that children should not be given phones by care-givers. In conclusion, children should not have access to mobile device as their minds are young and not able to handle prompt and accurate decision making. If in any case, a care-giver decides to give a handset to his or her ward, he must make out some time to monitor, supervise and discipline such child appropriately.
A few parents believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a mobile handset while others have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
point of view. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
by minors have
been associated
with major academic distractions, lack of family time and other vices, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefit a child derives from owning a handset is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
accessible.
Hence
, I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
phones.

Children
generally
lack the ability to be self disciplined. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, they enjoy gratification and spend long periods with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
applications, such as, games, pop-up adverts and films.
In addition
, minors can be on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
all day long, disregarding the academic work, homework and family time, which would
eventually
have an adverse effect on the child, such as poor academic grades and obesity.
For example
, The
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
world health organization
quotes, 80% of childhood obesity are due to lack of activity, this
is linked
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of handsets.
Thus
, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
mobile handsets.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who have handheld devices are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
accessed by family members, relatives, and friends, home and abroad,
rather
than sending letters which take days to weeks to
be delivered
. They are able to communicate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
and receive advice in the face of any challenge they face.
For instance
, a 12 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
cousin of mine, who missed his way back home from school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
reached out to his mother on his mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and retraced his steps. Despite this benefit, I
still
hold on to the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
by care-givers.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not have access to mobile device as their minds are young and not able to handle prompt and accurate
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
. If in any case, a care-giver decides to give a handset to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
ward, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to monitor, supervise and discipline such child
appropriately
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phone, while others disagree. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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