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Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phone, while others disagree. discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phone, while others disagree. v. 1
A few parents are of the opinion that children should own a mobile handset while others have a different point of view. The use of mobile phone by minors have been associated with major academic distractions, lack of family time and other vices, the only benefit a child derives from owning a phone is easy accessible. Hence, I disagree that children be given phones. Children generally lack the ability to be self disciplined and enjoy gratification, thus, get distracted with mobile phone applications, such as, games, pop-up adverts and films. Minors can be on the phone all day long, disregarding the academic work, homework and family time, which would eventually have an adverse effect on the child, such as poor academic grades and obesity. The world health organization quotes, 80% of childhood obesity are due to lack of activity, this is linked to the use of mobile phones. Thus, in my opinion, children should not be given mobile handsets. On the other hand, minors who have phones are easily accessed by family members, relatives, and friends, home and abroad, rather than sending letters which take days to weeks to be delivered. They are able to communicate easily and receive advice in the face of any challenge they face. For instance, a 12 year old cousin of mine, who missed his way back home from school easily reached out to his mother on his phone and retraced his steps. Despite this benefit, I still hold on to the opinion, that children should not be given phones by parents. In conclusion, it is my opinion that children should not have access to phones as their minds are young and not able to handle prompt and accurate decision making. If in any case, a parent decides to give a phone to his or her ward, he must make out time to monitor, supervise and discipline such child appropriately.
A few parents are of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a mobile handset while others have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
point of view. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
by minors have
been associated
with major academic distractions, lack of family time and other vices, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefit a child derives from owning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is easy accessible.
Hence
, I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
phones.

Children
generally
lack the ability to be self disciplined and enjoy gratification,
thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
distracted with mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
applications, such as, games, pop-up adverts and films. Minors can be on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
all day long, disregarding the academic work, homework and family time, which would
eventually
have an adverse effect on the child, such as poor academic grades and obesity. The
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
world health organization
quotes, 80% of childhood obesity are due to lack of activity, this
is linked
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
Thus
, in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
mobile handsets.

On the other hand
, minors who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are
easily
accessed by family members, relatives, and friends, home and abroad,
rather
than sending letters which take days to weeks to
be delivered
. They are able to communicate
easily
and receive advice in the face of any challenge they face.
For instance
, a 12 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
cousin of mine, who missed his way back home from school
easily
reached out to his mother on his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and retraced his steps. Despite this benefit, I
still
hold on to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
by parents.

In conclusion
, it is my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not have access to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
as their minds are young and not able to handle prompt and accurate
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
. If in any case, a parent decides to give a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
ward, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
out time to monitor, supervise and discipline such child
appropriately
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phone, while others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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