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Some parents think it is good idea to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some parents think it is good idea to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 1
In the modern world, many parents are keen to purchase smart phones for their children. Although some people believe that it is a negative trend, others feel that advanced technologies such as mobile phones, tablets and laptops will be beneficial for children’s education, as they help them during the studying process. Personally, I believe that allowing children to use digital technologies is a positive trend. On the one hand, young generation may use mobile phones for their study and self-development as well as for keeping in touch with friends. In this regard, they can communicate with their peers and classmates. Furthermore, smart phones are useful device for searching information on the internet, and they can make children’s life more convenient and comfortable. To illustrate, there are various kinds of applications on the apple store for assisting users, such as calculators, alarm clock and online books. On the other hand, the negative influence of the advanced technologies is that people can be addicted from them. It is true that many youngsters depend on the smart phones. Moreover, children can be isolated from the real life. In this case, they will pay less attention to the surrounding world. For example, spending much time on the internet can cause a psychological disorder. Moreover, mobile phones can distract the children from the study, as they dedicate their whole time for online games, videos and social networking sites. To conclude, although many parents believe it is not a good idea to buy mobile phones for their children, personally, in my opinion, new technologies can help the youngster, if they use them correctly. In addition, they can create many problems too.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents are keen to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend, others feel that advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
such as mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, tablets and laptops will be beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education, as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them during the studying process.
Personally
, I believe that allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
digital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend.

On the one hand, young generation may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for their study and self-development
as well
as for keeping in touch with friends. In this regard, they can communicate with their peers and classmates.
Furthermore
, smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are useful device for searching information on the internet, and they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
life more convenient and comfortable. To illustrate, there are various kinds of applications on the
Did you mean the proper noun "Apple Store"?
apple store
for assisting users, such as calculators, alarm clock and online books.

On the other hand
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence of the advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
be addicted
from them. It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters depend on the smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be isolated
from the real life.
In this case
, they will pay less attention to the surrounding world.
For example
, spending much time on the internet can cause a psychological disorder.
Moreover
, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can distract the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from the study, as they dedicate their whole time for online games, videos and social networking sites.

To conclude
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents believe it is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
personally
, in my opinion, new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the youngster, if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them
correctly
.
In addition
, they can create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems too.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Some parents think it is good idea to give their children mobile phones, while others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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