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Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas many now suffer from loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions? v.7

Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas many now suffer from loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions? v. 7
If we compare today`s people to the older generation, we will find that the old ones were more fit as they used to participate in physical activities more and devote a significant amount of time to their families and friends. While, nowadays, youngsters face with both mental and physical problems. This essay will explain that the development of technology is the main cause; however, the government could encourage people to change their sedentary life by instructing physical education. In this day and age, with the advent of modern technology, people have more dependence on machines and the Internet. In the past, most of the work was done manually, such as household chores, due to the absence of automation. Whereas today, people, especially teenagers, are spending their time working with phones and computers, general gadgets, during their free time instead of doing exercise and playing sports. On the other hand, real communications are limited to social media by the development of technology, and the lack of face to face conversation causes isolation for teenagers and depression or loneliness for the entire people. Hence, the elders used to have a longer, happier life. Despite this, the be-all and end-all solution for this issue are doing exercises and sports so that the nations have to increase the awareness of the public about the benefit of being fit. To illustrate, if the government incorporates physical fitness classes with beneficial equipment at the school curriculum, then pupils will be obliged to partake in activities and games. Furthermore, the government could construct a special path for walking or jogging to encourage people to decrease the over-usage of cars. Also, by improving the city, they can motivate people to converse with their friends in person instead of online. In conclusion, spending more hours on social media and over-reliance on technology will have a detrimental impact on physical and mental health. It is recommended that the state should improve the city facilities and increase public awareness about the effects of outdoor physical activities.
If we compare
The character between 'today' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "today’s" (curly apostrophe) or "today's" (straight apostrophe).
today`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to the older generation, we will find that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
ones were more fit as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities more and devote a significant amount of time to their families and friends. While, nowadays, youngsters face with both mental and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
problems. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
that the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is the main cause;
however
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their sedentary life by instructing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education.

In this day and age, with the advent of modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more dependence on machines and the Internet. In the past, most of the work
was done
manually
, such as household chores, due to the absence of automation. Whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, are spending their time working with phones and computers, general gadgets, during their free time
instead
of doing exercise and playing sports.
On the other hand
, real communications
are limited
to social media by the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, and the lack of face to face conversation causes isolation for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and depression or loneliness for the entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Hence
, the elders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have a longer, happier life.

Despite this, the be-all and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
-all solution for this issue are doing exercises and sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the nations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
increase the awareness of the public about the benefit of
being fit
. To illustrate, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
incorporates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness classes with beneficial equipment at the school curriculum, then pupils will
be obliged
to partake in activities and games.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could construct a special path for walking or jogging to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to decrease the over-usage of cars.
Also
, by improving the city, they can motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to converse with their friends in person
instead
of online.

In conclusion
, spending more hours on social media and over-reliance on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
will have a detrimental impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and mental health. It
is recommended
that the state should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the city facilities and increase public awareness about the effects of outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas many now suffer from loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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