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Some parents think children have mobile phones others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion v.1

Some parents think children have mobile phones others disagree. 1
At the time of ingenuity and new gadgetry, mobile phones are ubiquitous. Therefore, they are used by all age groups including children. Some parents admit these changes and let their child to use smartphones, whereas the rest of them do not. Although using gadgetry has its own drawbacks, I still believe that parents should allow to the youngsters to have a mobile phone. Smartphones are a multi-functional technology. Through their aid society has access to a variety of information, including: video, audio and textual. Children tend to be curious about all processes happening in their surrounding environments. So, smartphones can provide explanations and reasons, which could not only be interesting, but also improve cognitive function. Moreover, if the child has a phone, parents will also know where he/she is just by making a call. Thus, they can be used as a communication technology, as well. However, there is a second side of the coin. What I mean by this is that a mobile phone can have an influence on a child's psychology. As I have mentioned before, there is a lot information which is easy to access. Most of it is irrelevant to younger people. Children understand things in the ball, so seeing what is not intended for them negatively affects their psychology. Moreover, different types of games on phones can cause them to become addicted to it, resulting in isolation from society and reality. Nevertheless, if parents manage to control information on their kid's phone by blocking or setting limitations on some of the applications, the problem that I have discussed could be easily solved. To recapitulate, although mobile phones could have a negative effect on children, it is still solvable, making them useful tools for the future development of children.
At the time of ingenuity and new gadgetry, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are ubiquitous.
Therefore
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by all age groups including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
admit these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their child to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
smartphones, whereas the rest of them do not. Although using gadgetry has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
drawbacks, I
still
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
to the youngsters to have a mobile phone.

Smartphones are a multi-functional technology. Through their aid society has access to a variety of information, including: video, audio and textual.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
tend to be curious about all processes happening in their surrounding environments.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, smartphones can provide explanations and reasons, which could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be interesting,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
cognitive function.
Moreover
, if the child has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will
also
know where he/she is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by making a call.
Thus
, they can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a communication technology,
as well
.

However
, there is a second side of the coin. What I mean by this is that a mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
can have an influence on a child's psychology. As I have mentioned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, there is
If you mean a great quantity, use "a lot of information"?
a lot information
which is easy to access. Most of it is irrelevant to younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
understand things in the ball,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
seeing what is not intended for them
negatively
affects their psychology.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of games on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can cause them to become addicted to it, resulting in isolation from society and reality.
Nevertheless
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
manage to control information on their kid's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
by blocking or setting limitations on
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
applications, the problem that I have discussed could be
easily
solved.

To recapitulate, although mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
could have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, it is
still
solvable, making them useful tools for the future development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents think children have mobile phones others disagree. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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