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Some parents, specifically mothers, stay at home instead working, and some people think That they should receive monetary compensation from the government. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some parents, specifically mothers, stay at home instead working, and some people think That they should receive monetary compensation from the government. v. 2
Of late, many women stay at home to take care of their children and elder people. There is a thought from few people that the government should provide financial benefits for them, in order to live independently. In my opinion, I strongly disagree to this thought, as this will increase financial burden on the government, encourage many working women to stay at home and women will not find any avenue to improve their knowledge by being at home. Firstly, the government is already providing financial aids to older people across the country, which is incurring huge financial burden. IF the government plans to provide monetary compensation to women staying at home, which will force the financial ministry to find new ways of income, at the end new taxes will be introduced to find the money. For instance, in Tamil Nadu a new tax was introduced to find the fund for paying old people' s pension, which will add more burdens on common people. Secondly, when women stay at home which will create more dependency on their husbands, which will create conflicts between them. For example, my friend' s wife was working post delivery she resigned her job to take of their kid. Internal conflicts between the couple raised due to insufficient financial expectation of wife, which lead to divorce. Thus, it has been believe that women stay at home will create monetary dependency on their husbands, which could be avoided if both parents go to work. Finally, women stay at home their knowledge will be very limited which will not help them to reach better career prospects. Furthermore, women empowerment is becoming the talk of the town, which could be only achieved when women are employed. In conclusion, when women stay at home, this will reduce their opportunity to learn new things. Moreover, financial dependency would arise which will result unwanted argument between many families. Hence, In my view women should be employed to live independently.
Of late,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home to take care of their children and elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. There is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
from few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
benefits for them, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
. In my opinion, I
strongly
disagree to this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, as this will increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
burden on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, encourage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
will not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
any avenue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their knowledge by being at home.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is already providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aids to older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
across the country, which is incurring huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
burden. IF the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
plans to provide monetary compensation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
staying at home, which will force the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
ministry to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
ways of income, at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
taxes will
be introduced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
the money.
For instance
, in Tamil Nadu a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
tax
was introduced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
find
the fund for paying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s pension, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
more burdens on common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Secondly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home which will create more dependency on their husbands, which will create conflicts between them.
For example
, my
Possible spelling mistake found.
friend&
#039; s wife was working post delivery she resigned her job to take of their kid. Internal conflicts between the couple raised due to insufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
expectation of wife, which lead to divorce.
Thus
, it has been
Consider using a past participle here: "believed".
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home will create monetary dependency on their husbands, which could
be avoided
if both parents go to work.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home their knowledge will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
limited which will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to reach better career prospects.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
empowerment is becoming the talk of the town, which could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
achieved when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are employed
.

In conclusion
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their opportunity to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
dependency would arise which will result unwanted argument between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families.
Hence
, In my view
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
be employed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents, specifically mothers, stay at home instead working, and some people think That they should receive monetary compensation from the government. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
326 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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