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Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government for that. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government for that. v. 2
Some people choose to be full-time housewives since they become parents in order to take care of their children. It is argued if they should be paid by government due to their unemployment conditions. Personally, I disagree with this argument. On the one hand, people should take their own responsibilities for decisions they made. As adults, people should fully consider the consequences before they decide the lifestyles they want. While some people choose to work so that they can maintain their daily life, some parents, who select to take care of their families, should think about whether they can afford their living expense if they do not go to work. For example, many Japanese females will choose to be housewives after they get married and the husbands will be the main finance sources of the whole families. On the other hand, government has supported families with pensions and subsides for daycare already since families delivered babies. Once a family has a newborn baby, government will pay parents' pensions for their maternity leave for around one year, which should be enough for family expenses. Furthermore, parents can send their children to the daycare after they return to their jobs, which fees were covered by government, so that they can devote themselves to work without the distraction from children. In contrast, it would be unfair for those parents work hardly if the housewives got extra pay from the authority because they did not go to work. To sum up, it seems to me that government should not pay extra salary for the full-time housewives because the parents have gotten government financial support and they should take their responsibilities for their own decisions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to be full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
housewives
since they become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
in order to take care of their children. It
is argued
if they should
be paid
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
due to their unemployment conditions.
Personally
, I disagree with this argument.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
responsibilities for decisions they made. As adults,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
fully
consider the consequences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they decide the lifestyles they want. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can maintain their daily life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, who select to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about whether they can afford their living expense if they do not go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Japanese females will choose to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
housewives
after they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married and the husbands will be the main finance sources of the whole families.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has supported
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
with pensions and subsides for daycare already since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
delivered babies. Once a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has a newborn baby,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will pay parents' pensions for their maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
for around one year, which should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
expenses.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their children to the daycare after they return to their jobs, which fees
were covered
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can devote themselves to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
without the distraction from children.
In contrast
, it would be unfair for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
The adverb 'hardly' is usually put before the verb 'work'.
work hardly
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
housewives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
extra pay from the authority
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they did not go to work.

To sum up, it seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not pay extra salary for the full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
housewives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have gotten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
financial
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
support and
they should take their responsibilities for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government for that. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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