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Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government for that. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government for that. v. 1
It is believed by some people that the government should pay salaries to mothers who have to stay at home to take care of their family members. In my opinion, I completely disagree with this point of view because the government has many more inevitable responsibilities, obligations and there is no return for this remuneration. The first and foremost reason why the legislative authority should not pay wages to the women, who look after their family, is that there are many sectors in the country where need funding. For example, the health and education sectors in Bangladesh cannot be developed according to up to date methods because of the shortage of money. Therefore, the government should spend money to meet the peoples' basic needs first. Secondly, the government has an obligation to spend money, which is deducted as a tax from the general public, for the betterment of the infrastructure. If normal people do not receive any benefit from the authority against their tax payment, there is a chance to rebel against the government. For instance, South African people protested their government because of the mismanagement of the public fund. Finally, housewives should not be paid from the bureaucratic authority as a form of salary because wages can only be paid in return for the service. In other words, there is no direct benefit, which would be received by the government, for which salary should be paid. For illustration, every company whether it is government or non-government pays remuneration to its employees after working eight hours a day in the office. In conclusion, because of having other important sectors to invest, an obligation to the public and no direct return of service, the government should not pay remuneration to the mothers, who stay at home to take care of their family.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
salaries to mothers who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stay at home to take care of their family members. In my opinion, I completely disagree with this point of view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more inevitable responsibilities, obligations and there is no return for this remuneration.

The
first
and foremost reason why the legislative authority should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
wages to the women, who look after their family, is that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sectors in the country where need funding.
For example
, the health and education sectors in Bangladesh cannot
be developed
according to up to date methods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the shortage of money.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should spend money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the peoples' basic needs
first
.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has an obligation to spend money, which
is deducted
as a tax from the
Consider using "public".
general public
, for the betterment of the infrastructure. If normal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not receive any benefit from the authority against their tax payment, there is a chance to rebel against the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
For instance
, South African
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
protested their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the mismanagement of the public fund.

Finally
, housewives should not
be paid
from the bureaucratic authority as a form of salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
wages can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be paid
in return for the service.
In other words
, there is no direct benefit, which would
be received
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, for which salary should
be paid
. For illustration, every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
whether it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
or non-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pays
remuneration to its employees after working eight hours a day in the office.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of having other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sectors to invest, an obligation to the public and no direct return of service, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
remuneration to the mothers, who stay at home to take care of their family.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government for that. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
301 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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