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Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why? v.2

Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why? v. 2
In my opinion, I support the idea that parents should forbid young children from owning smart phones. There are many disadvantages for children using cell phones. I base my view in educational, healthy, and mental reasons. To begin with, Using smart phones in school cause the education problem. When the students use smart phone in a class, they can not focus on the lecturer. Children are crazy about the games in the internet and get lower performance. Thus, Using smart phone is influential to the children' s learning. Second, the children spending too much time on screen harm their eyes. The screen size of smart phone is small and people often read it on the car. The unstable envirnment and the size harm the eyes worse. Besides, the health of eyes in childhhood is more vunerable than in adulthood. Therefore, parnet forbid the smart phone in a healthy reason. Last but not least, Sufing Internet without limit affect the children' s mind. Parents hardly monitor their children' s phones, because they are very personal and small. With the smart phone, children can find the information, which is not adept for them. The information may lead children to commit the crime and behave unnormally. Finally, I think there are a lots evidence here to support that parent forbid their children from smart phone. I elaborate my view educationally, healthly, and mentally.
In my opinion, I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that parents should forbid young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from owning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
using cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. I base my view in educational, healthy, and mental reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, Using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
in school cause the education problem. When the students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, they can not focus on the lecturer.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are crazy about the games
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the internet".
in the internet
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
lower performance.
Thus
, Using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is influential to the
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s learning.

Second, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending too much time on screen harm their eyes. The screen size of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
read it on the car. The unstable
Possible spelling mistake found.
envirnment
and the size harm the eyes worse.
Besides
, the health of eyes in
Possible spelling mistake found.
childhhood
is more
Possible spelling mistake found.
vunerable
than in adulthood.
Therefore
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
parnet
forbid the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
in a healthy reason.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sufing
Internet without limit affect the
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s mind. Parents hardly monitor their
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
personal and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
. With the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can find the information, which is not adept for them. The information may lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to commit the crime and behave
Possible spelling mistake found.
unnormally
.

Finally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are
If you mean a great quantity, use "a lots of evidence"?
a lots evidence
here to support that parent forbid their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
. I elaborate my view
educationally
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
healthly
, and mentally.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
230 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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