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ome parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why? v.2

ome parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why? v. 2
The essay discusses allowing young children using the cell phone and internet and not letting them do so. Personally, I believe that children shouldn' t be let using the cell phone and accessing the internet before reaching a certain age. I feel this way for two main reasons which I' ll describe in the following essay. First of all, underaged kids should focus on their studies and they should get involved in real life activities to flourish their natural talents. A strong root can help to grow a big tree. So at the very tender age, it' d be mandatory to focus on their studies more and making the base stronger for future perspectives. My own experience is a compelling example of this. When I was in Primary school I didn' t have the access to the internet and a cell phone. During that period I focused on my studies which affected my later student life greatly. So, I became sharp in Mathematics, English, and Science as I had built that habit and grew the nature from a very young age. Secondly, there' re some demerits for using the internet and a cell phone. There are lots of vulnerabilities for using the internet and a child might deviate from his or her focus into the cyber world. For instance, there are many websites which are prohibited for underaged people which may hamper their psychological growth in a positive way. Moreover, they can be indulged in cyber crimes and a generation can grow in negative mental health. I can refer to an incident in my life which happened with one of my friends in my school days. He got addicted to video games and later his physical and mental health condition fall apart. When he turned into his 20' s he grew fatter and couldn' t interact with people in everyday' s life properly. So he became more frustrated and depression was about to kill him. To seek salvage from this burden he had to consult a doctor and had to continue his treatment for a long time. In the end, I' d like to state that children shouldn' t be allowed to access a cellphone with an internet connection at a very young age. It can be referred that this might harm their studies and can demoralize their mental stability.
The essay discusses allowing young children using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and internet and not letting them do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
Personally
, I believe that children
Possible spelling mistake found.
shouldn&
#039; t be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
and accessing the internet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a certain age. I feel this way for two main reasons which
Possible spelling mistake found.
I&
#039; ll
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
underaged
kids should focus on their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
studies and
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
activities to flourish their natural talents. A strong root can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to grow a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
tree.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
at the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tender age,
Possible spelling mistake found.
it&
#039; d be mandatory to focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
more and making the base stronger for future perspectives. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience is a compelling example of this. When I was in Primary school I
Possible spelling mistake found.
didn&
#039; t have the access to the internet and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
. During that period I focused on my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
my later student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
greatly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I became sharp in Mathematics, English, and Science as I had built that habit and grew the nature from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age.

Secondly
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
there&
#039; re
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits for using the internet and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
. There are lots of vulnerabilities for using the internet and a child might deviate from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
focus into the cyber world.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
websites which
are prohibited
for
Possible spelling mistake found.
underaged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
which may hamper their psychological growth in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way.
Moreover
, they can
be indulged
in cyber crimes and a generation can grow in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
mental health. I can refer to an incident in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
which happened
The verb 'happen' usually requires the preposition "to".
with
one of my friends in my school days. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
addicted to video games and later his physical and mental health condition fall apart. When he turned into his 20' s he grew fatter and
Possible spelling mistake found.
couldn&
#039; t interact with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
everyday&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
properly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
he became more frustrated and depression was about to kill him. To seek salvage from this burden he had to consult a doctor and had to continue his treatment for a long time.

In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
I&
#039; d like to state that children
Possible spelling mistake found.
shouldn&
#039; t be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to access a cellphone with an internet connection at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age. It can
be referred
that this might harm their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and can demoralize their mental stability.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay ome parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
390 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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