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Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why? v.1

Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why? v. 1
For many decades, medical science has become a debatable issue across the globe because of its excessive annual budget. While some people admits that it is the duty of people to live an active lifestyle to avoid health issues and not to burden the government for their illness, others are of the opinion that a regulated health care management system must be there for tax payers of the country. In this essay we will discuss both of these views and why I conceive that by the collaborative effort of both by civic bodies and citizens would aleviate the problem of healthcare budget. There are many compelling reasons to believe that people of the country are solely liable their bad health. It has been generally seen that because of junk food, majority number of people have been developing diseases such as obesity, which is one of the root causes to depression, excessive fatigue and sleep disorder. For example, workaholics due to their hectic schedule and children because of their taste often depend om fast food which drastically weakens their overall health; consequently, leading to overweight and anxiety problems. These circumstances could easily be avoided by controlling the amount of processed food people intake, hence majority of health issues are self-created and citizens must not seek free aid for such health issues from the government. Conversely, there is a group of people who insists that it is the responsibility of public bodies to take care of their people's health by developing a health-care program for free for each individual. I certainly believe that treatment for life-threatening diseases such as cancer and bola must be included on the program as the cost is huge which is not affordable by everyone. For instance, the government shall fix a cap on the amount of free health services. Moreover, government agencies could provide such medical services at subsidised rates so that the country's health care budget could be balanced effectively. Therefore, for hazardous and growing diseases, it is recommended to develop a health care scheme. In conclusion, although it is the duty of the government to protect and provide medical support to their citizens but that should only be applicable to life-threatening diseases. An individual must follow an active lifestyle to avoid petty diseases. I strongly believe that with the combined efforts of the citizens and their government, the amount of health issues could be terribly reduced.
For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
decades, medical science has become a debatable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
across the globe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its excessive annual budget. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
admits
that it is the duty of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
an active lifestyle to avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
and not to burden the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
for their illness, others are of the opinion that a regulated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
management system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be there for tax payers of the country. In this essay we will discuss both of these views and why I conceive that by the collaborative effort of both by civic bodies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
would
Possible spelling mistake found.
aleviate
the problem of healthcare budget.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
compelling reasons to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the country are
solely
liable their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. It has been
generally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of junk food, majority number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
such as obesity, which is one of the root causes to depression, excessive fatigue and sleep disorder.
For example
, workaholics due to their hectic schedule and children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their taste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depend on".
depend
Make sure that 'om' refers to a mystic syllable and is not a spelling error. Did you mean "on"?
om
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food which
drastically
weakens their
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
;
consequently
, leading to overweight and anxiety problems. These circumstances could
easily
be avoided
by controlling the amount of processed food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
intake,
hence
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
are self-created and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not seek free aid for such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

Conversely
, there is a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who insists that it is the responsibility of public bodies to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
by developing a health-care program for free for each individual. I
certainly
believe that treatment for life-threatening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
such as cancer and bola
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be included
on the program as the cost is huge which is not affordable by everyone.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
shall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
a cap on the amount of free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
services.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
agencies could provide such medical services at
Possible spelling mistake. 'subsidised' is British English.
subsidised
rates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
budget could
be balanced
effectively
.
Therefore
, for hazardous and growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
, it
is recommended
to develop a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
scheme.

In conclusion
, although it is the duty of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to protect and provide medical support to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be applicable to life-threatening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. An individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
follow an active lifestyle to avoid petty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
. I
strongly
believe that with the combined efforts of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
could be
terribly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
401 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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