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Some people forbid young children from usin smatphones cellphones with internet accesss while others disagree and believe that they are importnt tools for keeping in touch Which point of view do you think is better and why v.1

Some people forbid young children from usin smatphones cellphones with internet accesss while others disagree and believe that they are importnt tools for keeping in touch Which point of view do you think is better and why v. 1
Children who secure good numbers should only be considered for admission in educational institutions providing higher education, it is considered by a few of the people. However, some people believe that irrespective of the age and skills, every student should be admitted in the universities. In the given essay, I will discuss both the persuasion, but I opine that the former view is a more practical approach than the later in order to provide a better study to those who deserves more, and who are passionate about studies. Considering the first view of providing the seats to deserving persons who have the ability to grasp difficult lessons in future classes are more reasonable. Scoring good marks in today's date is an arduous job, mainly due to the lengthy syllabus in schools. Further, Universities also have limited seats to offer to the candidates. Therefore, it is preferred to provide the seats to those who are more competent and skilful. For instance, in my college, it was mandatory to obtain seventy percent marks in intermediate who wanted to pursue commerce to make sure that students are capable enough to understand the complexity level when they will start learning advance chapters. Simultaneously, it is also considered that why the values should be restricted only to those who are privileged. Everyone has right to education, and in whatever way one wants to study it, no one should stop ones. Providing unrestricted access to class to everyone is an ideal model of study. For example, one of my seniors who had left his studies in between to fulfil his family responsibilities, he joined back the university again when the situation was favourable and he completed his master degree in Science. It has given a great sense of accomplishment to him despite his age factor. To summarise, though it is correct that everyone should be given a fair chance to study, nowadays there are very limited seats to offer to candidates. If these places will be filled randomly, the significant purpose of higher education will be defeated. Therefore, It is essential to put some restrictions on the admission process. However, government should also work on to figure out that how the demand and supply ratio can be filled so that everyone can get easier access to not only to primary but higher education also.
Children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
secure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
numbers should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be considered
for admission in educational institutions providing higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, it
is considered
by a few of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that irrespective of the age and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, every student should
be admitted
in the universities. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
essay, I will discuss both the persuasion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I opine that the former view is a more practical approach than the
Did you mean "latter" (=the second of two items)?
later
in order to provide a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
deserves more, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are passionate about studies.

Considering the
first
view of providing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seats
to deserving persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have the ability to grasp difficult lessons in future classes are more reasonable. Scoring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marks in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's date is an arduous job,
mainly
due to the lengthy syllabus in schools.
Further
, Universities
also
have limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seats
to offer to the candidates.
Therefore
, it
is preferred
to provide the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seats
to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are more competent and
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
.
For instance
, in my college, it was mandatory to obtain seventy percent marks in intermediate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
wanted to pursue commerce to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that students are capable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to understand the complexity level when they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning advance chapters.

Simultaneously
, it is
also
considered that why the values should
be restricted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are privileged
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Everyone
has right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, and in whatever way one wants to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
it, no one should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
ones. Providing unrestricted access to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
everyone
is an ideal model of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
For example
, one of my seniors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
in between to fulfil his family responsibilities, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
back the university again when the situation was
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
favourable and
he completed his master degree in Science. It has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a great sense of accomplishment to him despite his age factor.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, though it is correct that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
everyone
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, nowadays there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seats
to offer to candidates. If these places will
be filled
randomly
, the significant purpose of higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will
be defeated
.
Therefore
, It is essential to put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restrictions on the admission process.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
also
work on to figure out that how the demand and supply ratio can
be filled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
everyone
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easier access to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to primary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
also
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people forbid young children from usin smatphones cellphones with internet accesss while others disagree and believe that they are importnt tools for keeping in touch Which point of view do you think is better and why v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
388 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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