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Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v.5

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v. 5
Toys are the best friends to children and they love playing with it. Few parents buy an enormous amount of toys for their children. This has a lot of positives and negatives, as well, for them. Let us discuss about the prime pros and cons for a child having many playing equipments. Although, there are a lot of advantages, there are two most important. Firstly, it is the fun factor. Children having an enormous amount of toys tend to enjoy playing with it. Since multiple of it will be available, there will be engaged with that always and this brings happiness to them. On the other hand, it is being lavished that they can enjoy. Since not many children will have the opportunity of having many toys living rich is one of the main positive for them. Similarly, a lot of entertainment equipments for children, not only has advantages, but equally has multiple disadvantages. Two of the most important are lack of humility and void of value learning. As they will have quite a lot of toys, they will not understand the importance of preserving the toys, to play later. Hence, they might not understand the value of that toy, like the need does. This attitude will propagate to other aspects of their character. For example, children might break an equipment and will easily move on to the next one, without even understanding the mistake they have done. Lack of humility, is the next important disadvantage. Since the child might grow without value learning he/she might not understand being humble and modest. This will lead them to a bad attitude and even into bad influences in the society. To conclude, although children, with multiple toys, have advantages and disadvantages, in my opinion, the latter has greater effect on them negatively. Hence, parents should be concerned in buying more toys.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Toys
are the best friends to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
playing with it. Few parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
an enormous amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of positives and negatives,
as well
, for them.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
prime pros and cons for a child having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
playing equipments.

Although, there are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of advantages, there are two most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
Firstly
, it is the fun factor.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
having an enormous amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "tends"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'tend' is not always incorrect.)
tend
to enjoy playing with it. Since multiple of it will be available, there will
be engaged
with that always and this brings happiness to them.
On the other hand
, it is
being lavished
that they can enjoy. Since not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have the opportunity of having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
living rich is one of the main
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for them.

Similarly
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of entertainment equipments for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
has advantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
equally
has multiple disadvantages. Two of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
are lack of humility and void of value learning. As they will have quite a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
, they will not understand the importance of preserving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
, to play later.
Hence
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not understand the value of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toy
, like the need does. This attitude will propagate to other aspects of their character.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
break an equipment and will
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
on to the
next
one, without even understanding the mistake they have done. Lack of humility, is the
next
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
disadvantage. Since the child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
grow without value learning he/she
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not understand being humble and modest. This will lead them to a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
attitude and even into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influences in the society.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, with multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
, have advantages and disadvantages, in my opinion, the latter has greater effect on them
negatively
.
Hence
, parents should
be concerned
in buying more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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