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Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v.27

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v. 27
It is claimed that nowadays some parents purchase miscellaneous playthings for their offspring. Now it is an all fire debate whether this phenomenon do more good or harm? Nowadays in many families both parent work outside to provide a decent life for their children as a result they don’t have enough time to spend with them engage a play, so, they buy more toys and tools to fill this blank. In one hand having a lot of plaything can help and speed child’s recognition of surrounding, name of animals and colors, eye-hand coordination to new a few. In addition, let’s not forget the simple joy of playing. However, like other things too many of toys can be dangerous and detrimental. First of all, as it is many toys and dolls made of plastic which contains chemical and poisonous substance can wreak a havoc with infants and young children. Secondly, having many toy and doll and reaching to whatever you ask can spoil and ruin a growing child’s character and psyche as they get used to be doted by everyone. Finally, if a child provided to having a lot more possession than his or her peer can be envied and be bullied by his or her classmate. as a result, it is going to lead to low self-esteem and confidence in rest of his/her life. All in all, there is no exact answer to the question whether advantages of having a lot of playthings outnumber it’s disadvantages or not? But obviously it is every parent’s duty to consult to their trusted expert a long this issue to prevent any unwanted harm.
It
is claimed
that nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
miscellaneous playthings for their offspring.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
it is an all fire debate whether
The verb 'do' is plural. Did you mean: "this phenomenon does"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this phenomenon do
more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or harm?

Nowadays in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families both parent work outside to provide a decent life for their children
as a result
they don’t have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to spend with them engage a play,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
and tools to fill this blank. In one hand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
Possible agreement error. The noun plaything seems to be countable; consider using: "a lot of playthings".
a lot of plaything
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and speed child’s recognition of surrounding, name of animals and colors, eye-hand coordination to new a few.
In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
’s not forget the simple joy of playing.

However
, like other things too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and detrimental.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, as it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
and dolls made of plastic which contains chemical and poisonous substance can wreak a havoc with infants and young children.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toy
and doll and reaching to whatever you ask can spoil and ruin a growing child’s character and psyche as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
be doted
by everyone.
Finally
, if a child provided to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a lot more possession than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
peer can
be envied
and
be bullied
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
classmate.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
as
a result, it is going to lead to low self-esteem and confidence in rest of his/her life.

All in all, there is no exact answer to
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "the question".
the question whether
advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
playthings outnumber
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun) instead of 'it's' (=it is)?
it’s
disadvantages or not?
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
obviously
it is every parent’s duty to consult to their trusted expert a long this issue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
any unwanted harm.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v. 27

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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