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Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v.15

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v. 15
Nowadays, the education system is having sports and arts activities as part as the extra-curriculum activities. In the society, some argued that having sports games in schools are often leads to encourage the competitive feeling rather than cooperation. I completely disagree with this argument and the following essay state the points to support my view. Firstly, it is from the schools, kids start understanding the importance of social skills such as empathy, cooperation, leadership. When schools are conducting group games, authority chooses one leader to head the each team. It is the leader's responsibility to guide, and lead the team to perform better in the games. Lead head usually gives commands and members follows the orders. Here each unit member learns the feeling to obey other's order and to take the orders in a company spirit. For example, in a recent survey conducted in Kerala by the state children's health board found that the youngsters who normally engage with the team extra- activities have better social skills and are ready to provide helps and guidance to the other children who all are weak in sports. This clearly says, sports, really helps students to improve the emotional skills. Secondly, it is from the primary and secondary classes, the kids start understanding and digest the meaning of defect. They have to understand that the failure is a part of a game and they do not have to take the competition in a deep way. A group games always give enthusiasm and sport's spirit among the group. The participation and knowing where to improve is more important than winning the game. Furthermore, in the classes, it is observed that winners are ready to help the looser to improve in their performance. In conclusion, in my opinion, having sports at play time in the education system have many positive sides such as it improves the children's social skills and leadership quality. Moreover, It is very rare that kids take the activity in a fully competitive way and hurt their natural talents.
Nowadays, the education system is having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and arts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as part as the extra-curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. In the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argued that having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in schools are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
leads to encourage the competitive feeling
rather
than cooperation. I completely disagree with this argument and the following essay state the points to support my view.

Firstly
, it is from the schools, kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
understanding the importance of social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as empathy, cooperation, leadership. When schools are conducting group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, authority chooses one leader to head
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "each" is left.
the each
team. It is the leader's responsibility to guide, and lead the team to perform better in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Lead head
usually
gives commands and members follows the orders. Here each unit member learns the feeling to obey other's order and to take the orders in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
spirit.
For example
, in a recent survey conducted in Kerala by the state children's health board found that the youngsters who
normally
engage with the team extra-
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
have better social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and are ready to provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
and guidance to the other children who all are weak in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. This
clearly
says,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
students to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
the emotional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Secondly
, it is from the primary and secondary classes, the kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
understanding and digest the meaning of defect. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
understand that the failure is a part of a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
game and
they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take the competition
Consider replacing "in a deep way" with the adverb for "deep"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a deep way
. A group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
always give enthusiasm and sport's spirit among the group. The participation and knowing where to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than winning the game.
Furthermore
, in the classes, it
is observed
that winners are ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the looser to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
in their performance.

In conclusion
, in my opinion, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
at play time in the education system have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides such as it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improves
the children's social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and leadership quality.
Moreover
, It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rare that kids take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in a
fully
competitive way and hurt their natural talents.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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