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The graph shows the spending on medical care, education, pension of a particular country from 2001 to 2051. summarise the information by selecting and reporting main feature and make comparison where relevant. v.1

The graph shows the spending on medical care, education, pension of a particular country from 2001 to 2051.
The population of a country has an immense impact on the overall progress of a nation, and that is why many countries adopt strict birth control measures. I disagree with the suggestion that a government should be allowed to control the number of children through taxes. Extreme birth control measures can hardly bring any positive outcomes. This can be exemplified with China as they introduced the policy of “one family, one child, ” in an attempt to curb the overpopulation issue and thus would aid in the preservation of natural resources. Surprisingly, this policy destroyed the balance between males and female population ratio. Today, China has 30 million more men than women, which could only mean that some will never have the chance to marry, and thanks to the one-child policy. However, people of authority should outline current policies and enact laws without depriving the citizens of their rights of understanding the nature of the problem. The best course of action would be putting forward national awareness campaigns to elucidate the importance of this pressing issue and educate them. Moreover, a media initiative featuring celebrities would yield the desired outcomes with the public. For example, recent addiction campaigns include famous football players, namely, Mo Salah had caused a decrease in the numbers of addicts. Finally, imposing taxes over the number of children would only impoverish citizens more, while giving the wealthy absolute freedom. Thus, it would go against the egalitarian rights of society. In conclusion, I second the opinion that is encouraging birth control policy of a country among ordinary citizens should be via education because motivated individuals with the right approach via awareness campaigns would perceive better results than considering taxes.
The population of a country has an immense impact on the
overall
progress of a nation, and
that is
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries adopt strict birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
measures. I disagree with the suggestion that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
the number of children through taxes.

Extreme birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
measures can hardly bring any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcomes. This can
be exemplified
with China as they introduced the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
of “one family, one child,
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
”
in an attempt to curb the overpopulation issue and
thus
would aid in the preservation of natural resources.
Surprisingly
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
the balance between males and female population ratio.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, China has 30 million more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
than women, which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
mean that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
will never have the chance to marry, and thanks to the one-child policy.

However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of authority should outline
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policies
and enact laws without depriving the citizens of their rights of understanding the nature of the problem. The best course of action would be putting forward national awareness campaigns to elucidate the importance of this pressing issue and educate them.
Moreover
, a media initiative featuring celebrities would yield the desired outcomes with the public.
For example
, recent addiction campaigns include
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
football players,
namely
, Mo Salah had caused a decrease in the numbers of addicts.
Finally
, imposing taxes over the number of children would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
impoverish citizens more, while giving the wealthy absolute freedom.
Thus
, it would go against the egalitarian rights of society.

In conclusion
, I second the opinion
that is
encouraging birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
control
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
policy
of a country among ordinary citizens should be via education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
motivated individuals with the right approach via awareness campaigns would perceive better results than considering taxes.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph shows the spending on medical care, education, pension of a particular country from 2001 to 2051.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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