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Some parents believe that watching and playing computer games should be limited and substituted by reading books. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some parents believe that watching and playing computer games should be limited and substituted by reading books. v. 2
Education is now one of the most controversial issues that people like debating about. Thus, every parents are caring about how to educate their children. It is considered by some parents that parents should prohibit children from playing games in order to study or read books. However, I don' t agree about this opinion. To begin with, as the game industry have been progressing, numerous games have been appearing increasingly. Therefore, plenty of children are interested in games, and it is true that they spend tons of time to play games. Nevertheless, I believe that parents don' t have to block children from playing games. Because, they can relieve stress by playing games. Furthermore, playing games can help to make a good friendship with friends. In addition, a number of people are working in game company these days, because the industry of game have improved significantly. A lot of professional gamers got popular and famous nowadays. Playing games may be another opportunity for children. Meanwhile, some parents believe that most games exert a negative influence on children, because they lost their time to study or read books by playing games. Playing games for a long time may generate health problem. For example, there was a person who died cause of playing games for a long time in Korea. For that reason, my parents also prevented me from enjoying games, when i was a kid. Besides, there are a huge amount of violent games that exert a negative effect on children, such as shooting games, battle games. In conclusion, although it is argued by some parents that parents should prohibit children from playing games, I totally disagree about their opinion. Because, I believe that it is too old-fashion opinion, and game industry are progressing more and more as time goes by. Moreover, if children have a good ability at playing games, it may be good opportunity to become a famous professional gamer. Hence, in my opinion, thinking that playing games is always bad is too old-fashion opinion.
Education is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
one of the most controversial issues that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like debating about.
Thus
, every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "parent"?
parents
are caring about how to educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should prohibit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in order to study or read books.
However
, I
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
about this opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, as the game industry have been progressing, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have been appearing
increasingly
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and it is true that they spend tons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Nevertheless
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
block
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
, they can relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
friendship with friends.
In addition
, a number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are working in game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the industry of game have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
significantly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
professional gamers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
popular and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
nowadays.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
may be another opportunity for children.

Meanwhile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
believe that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
exert a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they lost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to study or read books by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
may generate health problem.
For example
, there was a person who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in Korea. For that reason, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
me from enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, when
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
was a kid.
Besides
, there are a huge
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "amounts"?
amount
of violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that exert a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, such as shooting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, battle games.

In conclusion
, although it
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should prohibit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, I
totally
disagree about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, I believe that it is too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
, and game industry are progressing more and more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
goes by.
Moreover
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
ability at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, it may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to become a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
professional gamer.
Hence
, in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
, thinking that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
is too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
54Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents believe that watching and playing computer games should be limited and substituted by reading books. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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