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he government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to reduce the amount of violent crimes in the society. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

he government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to reduce the amount of violent crimes in the society. v. 2
The crime rate is now one of the most controversial issues that people like debating about. Because, the crime rate have been rising up increasingly. Thus, some people assume that the reason why the crime rate increases is the violent media, such as film, drama, animation etc. I partially agree about this opinion. To begin with, we were exposed to numerous violent medias since we were a kids. It is fairly easy to find violent medias in TV, movie and especially through the website. Furthermore, although the age requirements exist on medias, kids can find plenty of violent videos without any difficulty and they are exposed to those medias. This problem will enable kids to ignore and to be insensitive about this problem. Thus, it is naturally seen that tons of violent medias promote the crime rate to grow. For that reasons, many parents believe that the government should prohibit broadcasting not to provide a large amount of violent videos. Meanwhile, there are also some people who disagree about this opinion. Because, although the kids are exposed to violent media, most kids hardly follow videos. In addition, they announced that the reason why the crime rate goes up is not the violent medias, but the education. Therefore, the governments should change the method of education rather than prohibiting children to watch violent videos. They believe that we have to teach children about right and wrong by good education system. Moreover, prohibiting broadcasting to produce various video, it might bring other the worse problem, such as depression of media' s advance. In conclusion, even though there are a lot of disadvantages, I agree that the government should control the amount of violence partially. Because, it is true that the violent medias exert a negative influence on children. In addition, the government should strengthen punishment about age requirement.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
one of the most controversial issues that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like debating about.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
have been rising up
increasingly
.
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assume that the reason why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
increases is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, such as film, drama, animation etc. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
about this opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, we
were exposed
to numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medias
since we were a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. It is
fairly
easy to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medias
in TV, movie and
especially
through the website.
Furthermore
, although the age requirements exist on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medias
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
can find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
without any
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
difficulty and
they
are exposed
to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medias
. This problem will enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
and to be insensitive about this problem.
Thus
, it is
naturally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that tons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medias
promote the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
to grow. For that reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should prohibit broadcasting not to provide a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
videos.

Meanwhile, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who disagree about this opinion.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are exposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
hardly follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
.
In addition
, they announced that the reason why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
goes up is not the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medias
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the education.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the method of education
rather
than prohibiting children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
. They believe that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
teach children about right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education system.
Moreover
, prohibiting broadcasting to produce various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
, it might bring other the worse problem, such as depression of
Possible spelling mistake found.
media&
#039; s advance.

In conclusion
,
even though
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
disadvantages, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should control the amount of violence
partially
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
, it is true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medias
exert a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on children.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should strengthen punishment about age requirement.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay he government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to reduce the amount of violent crimes in the society. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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