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Some parents believe that children should not waste time by reading entertainment books, but instead they should spend time to read educational books only. What is your opinion about this? v.1

Some parents believe that children should not waste time by reading entertainment books, but instead they should spend time to read educational books only. What is your opinion about this? v. 1
It is a common fact that more people are migrating from developing nations to developed ones in order to seek for a better living environment for their children. Some people support that their decisions will benefit their children's growth; while, others believe that new living environments will bring drawbacks for their children. The essay will discuss the both views and presents my support to the former view. To begin with, moving to a rich nation will provide a high quality of life for children. Moreover, harmonious communities, better educational resources, clean living environment with close-zero pollutions, and universal health care system in rich countries will benefit in children's development as well. For example, Chinese immigrants in Canada provide a safer environment for their children to grow well there. At least, in the current moment, their children are living in a society without being threatened by corona viruses. Their children have much happier lives in schools without facing extremely heavy study tasks as those in China. On the other hand, some people believe that relocating to an unfamiliar nation will bring negative impacts on the young newcomers. They will encounter with culture shocks, language barriers, different climates, lack of peers and social life etc. In addition, an unfamiliar living environment also will have a detrimental impact on their cognitive capacity. Finally, they may suffer from psychological issues, such as depression or anxiety, due to inadequate supports from their communities or their parents who are also facing the similar conditions as well. In conclusion, I personally opine that emigration to rich countries will benefit the younger generation due to a better living environment. However,  relocation will create challenges for children due to above reasons. Therefore, in order to prevent the drawbacks,  parents should involve their children make the decision and start to prepare ahead, such as learning a new language, a new culture etc. before their movement
It is a common fact that more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
 are migrating from developing nations to developed ones in order to seek for a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
support that their decisions will benefit their children's growth; while, others believe that new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environments
will bring drawbacks for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The essay will discuss the both views and presents my support to the former view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, moving to a rich nation will provide a high quality of life for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Moreover
, harmonious communities, better educational resources, clean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
with close-zero pollutions, and universal health care system in rich countries will benefit in children's development
as well
.
For example
, Chinese immigrants in Canada provide a safer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
for their children to grow well there. At least, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
moment, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in a society without
being threatened
by
The term "coronaviruses" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
corona viruses
. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have much happier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in schools without facing
extremely
heavy study tasks as those in China.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that relocating to an unfamiliar nation will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the young newcomers. They will encounter with culture shocks, language barriers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
climates, lack of peers and social life etc.
In addition
, an unfamiliar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
also
will have a detrimental impact on their cognitive capacity.
Finally
, they may suffer from psychological issues, such as depression or anxiety, due to inadequate supports from their communities or their parents who are
also
facing the similar conditions
as well
.

In conclusion
, I
personally
opine that emigration to rich countries will benefit the younger generation due to a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
.
However
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
relocation will create challenges for children due to above reasons.
Therefore
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the drawbacks,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
parents should involve their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the decision and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to prepare ahead, such as learning a new language, a new culture etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
their movement
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents believe that children should not waste time by reading entertainment books, but instead they should spend time to read educational books only. What is your opinion about this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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