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Young people these days tend to be less polite and respectful than in the past. Causes and solutions. v.2

Young people these days tend to be less polite and respectful than in the past. Causes and solutions. v. 2
Many underdeveloped countries nowadays face serious problems when they want to provide their citizens with a decent education, proper health sector and improvement in business. Although it’s believed that developed communities should help the poor ones, I strongly disagree with that opinion and I think rich countries should focus more on their own growth. furthermore, it’s the duty of poor countries to try to improve their own sectors. On the one hand, the developed countries have spent much of their energy trying to improve their society in many ways. Providing the best hospitals, investing huge amounts of money for research purposes and making international businesses. For example, European countries are continuously opening new health centre in order to give their citizens the best and qualified health care. consequently, these rich countries should continue to develop their own sectors until it reaches a peak. On the other hand, underdeveloped countries are poor not because of having no money, just because these communities are run by unskilled authorities and unqualified politicians who use the country's income to their own benefit leaving the poor people behind. Iraq, for instance, is one of the richest countries in the world for selling petroleum. However, there is the least quality of life and the citizens are mostly suffering from poverty. Thus underdeveloped countries are poor because of bad system and careless authorities. In conclusion, even poor nations need more development in any aspect of their lives. It’s their own responsibilities to take care about their contraries and try to stand on their own feet instead of asking for help from area in another part of the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
nowadays face serious problems when they want to provide their citizens with a decent education, proper health sector and improvement in business. Although it’s believed that developed communities should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
ones, I
strongly
disagree with that opinion and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should focus more on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
growth.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
furthermore
, it’s the duty of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
sectors.

On the one hand, the developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have spent much of their energy trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their society in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. Providing the best hospitals, investing huge amounts of money for research purposes and making international businesses.
For example
, European
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are
continuously
opening new health
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
in order to give their citizens the best and qualified health care.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
consequently
, these rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should continue to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
sectors until it reaches a peak.

On the other hand
, underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of having no money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these communities
are run
by unskilled authorities and unqualified politicians who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the country's income to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefit leaving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
behind. Iraq,
for instance
, is one of the richest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in the world for selling petroleum.
However
, there is the least quality of life and the citizens are
mostly
suffering from poverty.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
system and careless authorities.

In conclusion
, even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
nations need more development in any aspect of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It’s their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
responsibilities to take care about their contraries and try to stand on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
feet
instead
of asking for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from area in another part of the world.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Young people these days tend to be less polite and respectful than in the past. Causes and solutions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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