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Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos games & other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v.3

Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos games & other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v. 3
Nowadays, parents are becoming more anxious about their offsprings, who spend most of their free time in watching television, playing games related to criminal activities. This essay will discuss about the adverse effects of such practices on their kids and followed by the measures should be taken to overcome this problem. To begin with, the curiosity among children to entertain themselves by watching violent activities may enhance their intolerance power. In other words, infants could lose their ability to deal with upcoming challenges and some difficult situations in their lives. Consequently, this could disrupt their growth to gain the effectiveness of managing things. For example, it is quite common to see in the daily newspaper that the juvenile crime rate is increasing abruptly over the past few years. The reason behind such escalation is only due to practice of criminal activities in the hands of kids. On the other hand, to handle this problem parents can divert their offspring’s mind and Indulge him in personality development exercises which will teach them the usage of soft skills. Moreover, such practices will energize the intellectual ability of a child and help him to concentrate effectively. The research conducted by a well known scientist revealed that the children, who engage themselves in learning soft skills have more tolerance and patience to deal with daily challenges than those who waste their time in watching criminal serials and games. In conclusion, increasing rate of criminal activities on TV, games and other form of enjoyment put bad impact on child's tolerance, patience and intellectual power. To tackle such problems parents should involve their children in personality improvement activities which help them to learn soft skills to deal with their future challenges.
Nowadays, parents are becoming more anxious about their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
, who spend most of their free time in watching television, playing games related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. This essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
adverse effects of such practices on their kids and followed by the measures should
be taken
to overcome this problem.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the curiosity among children to entertain themselves by watching violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
may enhance their intolerance power.
In other words
, infants could lose their ability to deal with upcoming challenges and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficult situations in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Consequently
, this could disrupt their growth to gain the effectiveness of managing things.
For example
, it is quite common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in the daily newspaper that the juvenile crime rate is increasing
abruptly
over the past few years. The reason behind such escalation is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
due to practice of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in the hands of kids.

On the other hand
, to handle this problem parents can divert their offspring’s mind and Indulge him in personality development exercises which will teach them the usage of soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Moreover
, such practices will energize the intellectual ability of a child and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him to concentrate
effectively
. The research conducted by a well known scientist revealed that the children, who engage themselves in learning soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
have more tolerance and patience to deal with daily challenges than those who waste their time in watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
serials and games.

In conclusion
, increasing rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
on TV, games and other form of enjoyment put
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on child's tolerance, patience and intellectual power. To tackle such problems parents should involve their children in personality improvement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to learn soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to deal with their future challenges.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos games & other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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