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Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence on TV, videos games & other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think the problem can be tackled? v.1

Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence on TV, videos games & other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think the problem can be tackled? v. 1
Over the past few decades, there has been a dramatic surge in violence showcased not only on television, but also in video games and other sources of entertainment which were initially created for providing entertainment during free time. However, it has done more bad than good, and affected several children, and there is a need to come up with ways to tackle the ongoing problem. Through this essay, I would like to draw the attention of the reader on both the consequences as well as methods to curb the same. Countless sources of entertainment affect children in multiple ways, be it physical, psychological, or physiological. Firstly, prolonged exposure to sources of entertainment may have detrimental impacts on the retina of the human eyes. Moreover, having exposure to high volumes through ear plugs may cause permanent damage to the ear drums. Secondly, an individual might develop ways to imitate physicality by involving himself in bouts at schools. Thirdly, it could impair relationships with, loved and peer ones by reducing communication skills and lead to decreased productivity and problem solving skills by making an individual indolent, lethargic and making him short-tempered. In some cases, it could cause alteration in brain structure by expanding or shrinking certain portions of it. Finally, if violence involves raping of women or threat to civil liberties, children might become exposed to cruelty and brutality at a young age when all they deserve is love, care, education and lively atmosphere. However, it is never too late and there are several ways by which the problem could be solved. Firstly, parents should monitor the activities of their children and ensure they spend an extremely limited time on electronic gadgets, and television. Secondly, they should motivate and boost their children in expatiating them on long-term benefits of outdoor sports or making them realize the true power and potential of education. Finally, in certain situation, they can eliminate sources which were originally intended to get rid of ennui, and sometimes should resort to punish them by not buying their favourite sport(s) equipment, or newest shoes launched in the market. To conclude, not only children can succumb to several sources of violence, but any individual of any age group can become victim of addiction without even realizing. Hence, it is important for each one of us to keep track of timings spent on these sources and watch out for one’s own demeanour at all places and time.
Over the past few decades, there has been a dramatic surge in violence showcased not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on television,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in video games and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
of entertainment which were
initially
created for providing entertainment during free time.
However
, it has done more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and there is a need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to tackle the ongoing problem. Through this essay, I would like to draw the attention of the reader on both the consequences
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
methods to curb the same.

Countless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
of entertainment affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
, be it physical, psychological, or physiological.
Firstly
, prolonged exposure to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
of entertainment may have detrimental impacts on the retina of the human eyes.
Moreover
, having exposure to high volumes through ear plugs may cause permanent damage to the ear drums.
Secondly
, an individual might develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to imitate physicality by involving himself in bouts at schools.
Thirdly
, it could impair relationships with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
and peer
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
by reducing communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and lead to decreased productivity and problem solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
by making an individual indolent, lethargic and making him short-tempered. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, it could cause alteration in brain structure by expanding or shrinking certain portions of it.
Finally
, if violence involves raping of women or threat to civil liberties,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might become exposed to cruelty and brutality at a young age when all they deserve is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, care, education and lively atmosphere.

However
, it is never too late and there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
by which the problem could
be solved
.
Firstly
, parents should monitor the activities of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and ensure they spend an
extremely
limited time on electronic gadgets, and television.
Secondly
, they should motivate and boost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in expatiating them on long-term benefits of outdoor sports or making them realize the true power and potential of education.
Finally
, in certain situation, they can eliminate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
which were
originally
intended to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of ennui, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
should resort to punish them by not buying their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
sport(s) equipment, or newest shoes launched in the market.

To conclude
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can succumb to several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
of violence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
any individual of any age group can become victim of addiction without even realizing.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for each one of us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of timings spent on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
out for one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake found.
demeanour
at all places and time.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence on TV, videos games & other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think the problem can be tackled? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
405 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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