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Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, video games and other types of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v.2

Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, video games and other types of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v. 2
It is a fact that violence is becoming a part of our life slowly. Some parents are concerned about the violence shown on TV, video games and other types of entertainment for children. In this essay, I will talk about how children are affected by these and how to solve these problems. Firstly, seeing something on a regular basis may make children desensitize about them. To clarify this point, they started to seem violent behaviours as normal and socially acceptable. The risk of acting in a similar manner is increased and the danger to society and for themselves is rising in this approach. For instance, there are lots of games themed about killing people and the child playing them, killing the others in joy and achieves success in these games. Even these are just role plays, it doesn’t mean they are not influencing them in a bad manner. These problems can be solved by governments’ politics and the support of the parents. The most significant answer can be limiting access to these types of contents. To illustrate, having age limits and arranging the air time on television for keeping harmful shows away from the children. Also, censoring might be a quick fix for issues like cigarettes. Another and most significant solution is, governments shouldn’t allow these types of games, movies, etc. In their market. Nevertheless, without the parents’ support, nothing can be improved, they should educate their children to not act in a violent policy and protect them from violent contents by not buying them. In conclusion, violent contents have enormous effects on children which desensitize them to it. Governments could solve this problem by putting the necessary limits and censors with a the help of parents.
It is a fact that violence is becoming a part of our life
slowly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are concerned
about the violence shown on TV, video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and other types of entertainment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In this essay, I will talk about how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by these and how to solve these problems.

Firstly
, seeing something on a regular basis may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
desensitize about them. To clarify this point, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to seem
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
as normal and
socially
acceptable. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of acting
Consider replacing "in a similar manner" with the adverb for "similar"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a similar manner
is increased
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to society and for themselves is rising in this approach.
For instance
, there are lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
themed about killing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and the child playing them, killing the others in joy and achieves success in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Even these are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
role plays, it doesn’t mean they are not influencing them in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
manner.

These problems can
be solved
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
’ politics and the support of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. The most significant answer can be limiting access to these types of contents. To illustrate, having age limits and arranging the air time on television for keeping harmful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
away from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Also
, censoring might be a quick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
for issues like cigarettes. Another and most significant solution is,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
shouldn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, movies, etc. In their market.
Nevertheless
, without the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
support, nothing can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
, they should educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to not act in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
policy and protect them from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
contents by not buying them.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
contents have enormous effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which desensitize them to it.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
could solve this problem by putting the necessary limits and censors with
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "the" is left.
a the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, video games and other types of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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