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Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV video games and other types of entertainment for children s leisure How does this affect children How do you think this problem can be tackled v.1

Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV video games and other types of entertainment for children s leisure How does this affect children How do you think this problem can be tackled v. 1
There is an opinion that people should marry once they have reached the legal age of 21 years old. I strongly disagree with this viewpoint as I believe it is much more vital to be financially ready before getting married, while emphasizing on considering oneself whether they have the emotional capability to enter a life of marriage. First of all, being financially stable should be the initial priority of people before settling down to a life-long commitment to their partners. A key reason for this is that, otherwise, they will not be able to provide the necessities to sustain a long-term marriage. For example, young Asian people have been establishing first their professional careers, which can save them enough money essential for expenses such as building a fully-furnished house, buying a car, and experiencing an unforgettable wedding with their future spouse. While it can be argued that the right age for marrying someone is 21, people should primarily focus first on the importance of building themselves to achieve financial security. Furthermore, achieving emotional capability is also considered a crucial factor when committing oneself to marriage. This is because individuals must initially understand themselves wholistically until deciding whether they can share their life with another person. Without this mentality, it can be difficult to develop and form a healthy, long-term relationship. For instance, young adults in Asia have considerably transformed their outlook in marriages, in such a way they consider first in becoming emotionally independent before deciding to tie the knot with their partners. Although it is required to reach such legal age, understanding one’s emotional maturity is significant for the cultivation of relationships. In conclusion, considering 21 years old as the legal age of marriage is becoming a norm in some parts of the world. Therefore, I believe people should cultivate themselves first, both in financial and emotional aspects, as this is an essential prerequisite to achieving a happy and life-long marriage.
There is an opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should marry once they have reached the legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 21 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. I
strongly
disagree with this viewpoint as I believe it is much more vital to be
financially
ready
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
getting married, while emphasizing on considering oneself whether they have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emotional
capability to enter a life of marriage.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, being
financially
stable should be the initial priority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
settling down to a life-long commitment to their partners. A key reason for this is that,
otherwise
, they will not be able to provide the necessities to sustain a long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
.
For example
, young Asian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been establishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
their professional careers, which can save them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money essential for expenses such as building a
fully
-furnished
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, buying a car, and experiencing an unforgettable wedding with their future spouse. While it can
be argued
that the right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for marrying someone is 21,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
primarily
focus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
on the importance of building themselves to achieve financial security.

Furthermore
, achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emotional
capability is
also
considered a crucial factor when committing oneself to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
initially
understand themselves
Possible spelling mistake found.
wholistically
until deciding whether they can share their life with another person. Without this mentality, it can be difficult to develop and form a healthy, long-term relationship.
For instance
, young adults in Asia have
considerably
transformed their outlook in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriages
, in such a way they consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
in becoming
emotionally
independent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
deciding to tie the knot with their partners. Although it
is required
to reach such legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, understanding one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emotional
maturity is significant for the cultivation of relationships.

In conclusion
, considering 21 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
as the legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
is becoming a norm in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world.
Therefore
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should cultivate themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
, both in financial and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emotional
aspects, as this is an essential prerequisite to achieving a happy and life-long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV video games and other types of entertainment for children s leisure How does this affect children How do you think this problem can be tackled v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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