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Some parents are worried about that the increasing level of violence in TV, video games, and other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v.1

Some parents are worried about that the increasing level of violence in TV, video games, and other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v. 1
Many parents today are concerned with the trend that more and more violent materials are being used in teenager’s recreation. I think such trend may depress our children and may ruin their life, while there are still some actions can be taken by parents and government to solve them. Firstly, students with higher exposure to violence tend to suffer more from the depression. Students at a young age may still find hard to witness the violence since they may cause children paranoid and anxious; eventually they become an introvert and suffer the mental pain on their own. Secondly, such trend may increase crime rates among the youth. Students at a young age may easily incited by the violent images and may mocking the actors and committing crimes like drug dealing, kidnapping, and assault in their future. However, there are still some solutions to this and one of them is asking parents to spend more time with their children. By doing so, parents can find their children’s issue earlier and take them to receive professional treatments from doctors so that children are more likely and faster to recover from depression. The other method is to strengthen regulations on all types of entertainments by government, which means a more specific grading of movies or games should be implemented. Such solution may lower the exposure to teenagers as every movie from now on will be graded as whether or not suitable for children under 19 and movie theatres will be financially penalized for showing a movie which is not supposed shown to teenagers. In conclusion, violent materials may make children today more aggressive and may potentially destroy their life, but parents and the government still can prevent this from happening.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are concerned
with the trend that more and more violent materials are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
’s recreation. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
such trend may depress our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and may ruin their life, while there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
actions can
be taken
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to solve them.

Firstly
, students with higher exposure to violence tend to suffer more from the depression. Students at a young age may
still
find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to witness the violence since they may cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
paranoid and anxious;
eventually
they become an introvert and suffer the mental pain on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Secondly
, such trend may increase crime rates among the youth. Students at a young age may
easily
The verb 'may' requires the base form of the verb: "incite"
incited
by the violent images and may mocking the actors and committing crimes like drug dealing, kidnapping, and assault in their future.

However
, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to this and one of them is asking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to spend more time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can find their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
issue earlier and take them to receive professional treatments from doctors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more likely and faster to recover from depression. The other method is to strengthen regulations on all types of entertainments by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, which means a more specific grading of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
or games should
be implemented
. Such solution may lower the exposure to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
as every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
on will
be graded
as
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
under 19 and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
will be
financially
penalized for showing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
which is not supposed shown to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.

In conclusion
, violent materials may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
more aggressive and may
potentially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
their life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
still
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this from happening.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some parents are worried about that the increasing level of violence in TV, video games, and other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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