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Some people think that the range of technology available to people is increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. Others think it has an opposite effect. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.3

Some people think that the range of technology available to people is increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. Others think it has an opposite effect. v. 3
In my opinion, the range of technology available to people is indeed increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. In this essay, I will discuss my view as well as the opposing arguments. To begin with, technology is becoming more developed and it is targeted for the richer people. On the other hand, some may argue that an average person can afford it and that it is targeted for many income groups. Firstly, advancements in technology are becoming apparent. For example, new phones are being released and they perform improved functions. Thus, the company may charge more to cover the costs of production of these advanced features. Subsequently, it is more likely that a rich person will be able to afford newer gadgets. However, some poorer persons may also afford them. Furthermore, offers may reduce prices of products to allow the less wealthy to buy them. Although, I still believe that the majority of customers would be of a wealthier status. In addition, technological corporations usually target those with a higher income. For instance 'Apple' target individuals who have a lot of money. Therefore, disconnecting the different social classes, even further. Plus, with so many companies, a large proportion of services use technology to facilitate ease. Meanwhile, another viewpoint is that many groups can buy technological gadgetry. To illustrate this, many people nowadays have 'iPhones'. In conclusion, high tech industries target the rich, but others may also afford their items. Additionally, even though prices are increasing, deals may be available. I recommend availability be limited to a lower range.
In my opinion, the range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
available to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
indeed
increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. In this essay, I will discuss my view
as well
as the opposing arguments. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is becoming more developed and it
is targeted
for the richer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may argue that an average person can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
afford
it and that it
is targeted
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
income groups.

Firstly
, advancements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are becoming apparent.
For example
, new phones are being
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
released and
they perform
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
functions.
Thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
may charge more to cover the costs of production of these advanced features.
Subsequently
, it is more likely that a rich person will be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
afford
newer gadgets.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
poorer persons may
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
afford
them.
Furthermore
, offers may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
prices of products to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
the less wealthy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
them.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, I
still
believe that the majority of customers would be of a wealthier status.

In addition
, technological corporations
usually
target those with a higher income.
For instance
'Apple' target individuals who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.
Therefore
, disconnecting the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social classes, even
further
. Plus, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, a large proportion of services
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
to facilitate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
. Meanwhile, another viewpoint is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
groups can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
technological gadgetry. To illustrate this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays have 'iPhones'.

In conclusion
, high tech industries target the rich,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others may
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
afford
their items.
Additionally
,
even though
prices are increasing, deals may be available. I recommend availability
be limited
to a lower range.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay Some people think that the range of technology available to people is increasing the gap between the rich and the poor. Others think it has an opposite effect. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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