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Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, video games and other entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect the children? How do you think this problem can be tackled v.1

Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, video games and other entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect the children? How do you think this problem can be tackled v. 1
In recent times, high level of bloodshed in kiddies free time materials such as computer games, movies, and so on, has brought by a lot of concern for adults. This essay will consider the effect of this fun time materials for kids and teens, before proposing a lasting solution to these issues. To begin with, the most threatening effect of these leisure materials is the fact that children become passionate for violence and inquisitive, thereby making them ask questions. First of all, their high passion for this makes them want to try want was seen in movies, thereby going an extra mile to get these instruments, thereby hunting themselves or another via trying what was watched. For example, a kid whose interest is at war and crime videos, will try everything possible to make them available. In addition, teens open nature and wanting to know more, making them become inquisitive like asking questions. To illustrate, a 7year old boy will keep disturbing his parent for the meaning of what he was seen in movie scene. Fortunately, however, there are many promising solutions to these challenges, like parental control and providing them with child friendly objects. Firstly, creating a catalogue of activities and play pattern for them monitoring them keenly to be sure they are not doing any other activities. An example is, Mrs. Philips was able to monitor and control her child's activities after creating a play pattern from him via a home camera and house automation. Secondly, making available and accessible for growing teenagers, friendly tools and games to play with. This creates in them a friendly nature and passion to help people. For instance, games like saving lives, house builder and simulations on creativity can be downloaded, so as to keep them busy at fun time while also imbibe humane nature In them. In conclusion, blood thirsty videos, games and playtime tools for kids has a negative effect on them, such as, being inquisitive and passion for blood. On the other hand, I am suggesting the use of parental control and the provision of child friendly playing tools for them will curb this manage.
In recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, high level of bloodshed in kiddies free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
materials such as computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, movies, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, has brought by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
concern for adults. This essay will consider the effect of this fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
materials for kids and teens,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
proposing a lasting solution to these issues.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the most threatening effect of these leisure materials is the fact that children become passionate for violence and inquisitive, thereby making them ask questions.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, their high passion for this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them want to try want was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in movies, thereby going an extra mile to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
these instruments, thereby hunting themselves or another via trying what was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
.
For example
, a kid whose interest is at war and crime videos, will try everything possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them available.
In addition
, teens open nature and wanting to know more, making them become inquisitive like asking questions. To illustrate, a 7year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
boy will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
disturbing his parent for the meaning of what he was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in movie scene.

Fortunately
,
however
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
promising solutions to these challenges, like parental control and providing them with child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendly
objects.
Firstly
, creating a
Possible spelling mistake. 'catalogue' is British English.
catalogue
of activities and play pattern for them monitoring them
keenly
to be sure they are not doing any other activities. An example is, Mrs. Philips was able to monitor and control her child's activities after creating a play pattern from him via a home camera and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
automation.
Secondly
, making available and accessible for growing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendly
tools and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to play with. This creates in them a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendly
nature and passion to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like saving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
builder and simulations on creativity can
be downloaded
,
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them busy at fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
while
also
imbibe humane nature In them.

In conclusion
, blood thirsty videos,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and playtime tools for kids has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on them, such as, being inquisitive and passion for blood.
On the other hand
, I am suggesting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of parental control and the provision of child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friendly
playing tools for them will curb this manage.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, video games and other entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect the children? How do you think this problem can be tackled v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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