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Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in tv, video games and other type of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this effect children? How do you think problem can be tackles? v.1

Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in tv, video games and other type of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this effect children? How do you think problem can be tackles? v. 1
Nowadays, children's recreational activities likewise gaming and television are influencing roughness on the child's behaviour while certain parents are disturbed with the increment on savage entertainment. In my perception, leisure activities are vital in the early childhood despite the parental control is obvious. On the one hand, there are positive and negative effects on modern recreational. To illustrate, television programs like Discovery Science and Animal planet nourish the knowledge, but adult movies and wrestling reacts in contrast. Also video games help to keep the young's occupied and improve their thinking speed. Besides children can get addicted to this activity, resulting with hyper behaviour problems and lack of interest in studies. To put it simply, electronic recreational activities have some benefits with parental guidance. On the other hand, thoughtful eliminating methods to tackle the flawless creations of recreational's incline with parental and necessary legal restrictions, indeed. Particular TV channels, suitable for children's would stop them going through adult or violent materials. In addition, a mobile application where parents can intrude into program history or restrict unsuitable programs. At the same moment, merging video games with the mobile phones will help to control the gaming time and stop violent games from playing. In a word, sheer parenting on children should be present at any moment. In conclusion, fathers and mothers have become very busy in their career development for the financial incentives. Despite than children being neglected by parents should allocate some time for their kid's physical activities like involving them in sports and athletics.
Nowadays, children's recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
likewise
gaming and television are influencing roughness on the child's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
while certain parents
are disturbed
with the increment on savage entertainment. In my perception, leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are vital in the early childhood despite the parental control is obvious.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on modern recreational. To illustrate, television programs like Discovery Science and Animal planet nourish the knowledge,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
adult movies and wrestling reacts
in contrast
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
video games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the young's occupied and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their thinking speed.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Besides
children can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, resulting with hyper
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
problems and lack of interest in studies. To put it
simply
, electronic recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits with parental guidance.

On the other hand
, thoughtful eliminating methods to tackle the flawless creations of recreational's incline with parental and necessary legal restrictions,
indeed
. Particular TV channels, suitable for children's would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
them going through adult or violent materials.
In addition
, a mobile application where parents can intrude into program history or restrict unsuitable programs. At the same moment, merging video games with the mobile phones will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to control the gaming time and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
violent games from playing. In a word, sheer parenting on children should be present at any moment.

In conclusion
, fathers and mothers have become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
busy in their career development for the financial incentives. Despite than children
being neglected
by parents should allocate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time for their kid's physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like involving them in sports and athletics.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in tv, video games and other type of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this effect children? How do you think problem can be tackles? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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