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Some museums and art galleries charge admission fees, while others have free entry. Do you think the advantages of charging for admission outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

Some museums and art galleries charge admission fees, while others have free entry. Do you think the advantages of charging for admission outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
With this, I am totally in favor that there should be a charge levied for the entry to such places and can justify the same with numerous reasons. To begin with, I would like to say that anything which comes for free does not have much value. If the entry is made free no one would understand the importance of such places. Moreover, people would then visit such places just for pastime and the core reason of opening such places will not be met. I remember in 2009, entry to Kolkata museum was made free for a month and the museum almost turned into a park because people started visiting the museum and made it a place to loiter around. Consequently, the government had to start charging the entry fees again. Not only that, entry to such places brings a lot of revenue to Government which is used for their maintenance. If this revenue is stopped, Government will have to start financing for the same which otherwise could have been used elsewhere. According to a report published by the finance ministry in India in 2010, an amount of 20 million was spent on the repair of Nehru Museum where entry was free. To sum up, I would say that these places should be given special care and their importance needs to be intact. With this, putting an end to entry fees to such places is not a good idea. No one would value diamonds if they were as easily available as stones. These places are no less than diamonds for the country.
With this, I am
totally
in favor that there should be a charge levied for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
and can justify the same with numerous reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, I would like to say that anything which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
for free does not have much value.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
is made
free no one would understand the importance of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would then visit such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for pastime and the core reason of opening such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
will not
be met
. I remember in 2009,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
to Kolkata
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
was made
free for a month and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
almost turned into a park
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
visiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
and made it a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
to loiter around.
Consequently
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
had to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
charging the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
fees again.

Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
revenue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for their maintenance. If this revenue is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
financing for the same which
otherwise
could have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
elsewhere. According to a report published by the finance ministry in India in 2010, an amount of 20 million
was spent
on the repair of Nehru
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
was free.

To sum up, I would say that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
special care and their importance needs to be intact. With this, putting an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
fees to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. No one would value diamonds if they were as
easily
available as stones. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
are no less than diamonds for the country.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some museums and art galleries charge admission fees, while others have free entry. Do you think the advantages of charging for admission outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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