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Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. v.6

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 6
People hold different views about whether the parents should motivate to participate in team activities or teach them to pass their leisure time by themselves. In my opinion, the younger generation should spend their available time with a group of children. This essay will discuss benefits of joint work over alone time. There are a significant number of advantages generated by team exercise. Firstly, children learn team management skills through sports like football and cricket. Secondly, their strategic thinking will improve when they work in collaboration with other kids. For instance, in the game of football all eleven players have a role. Therefore, everyone needs to be united to conquer a match. In short, they'll also respect each other and never have a arrogant. Nevertheless, a child who spends time also tends to face challenges in adulthood. In addition, these young children might not be able to make friends and often get bullied in their teenage. To illustrate, research by Columbia university states eighty percent of depression victims are mostly children who avoided group exercises as a child. As a result, children become extrovert only when exposed to joint work. To conclude, young generation should always be forced to spend time with other children of their age group. This would help them in achieving a healthy life in later years.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about whether the parents should motivate to participate in team activities or teach them to pass their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by themselves. In my opinion, the younger generation should spend their available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This essay will discuss benefits of joint work over alone time.

There are a significant number of advantages generated by team exercise.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn team management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
through sports like football and cricket.
Secondly
, their strategic thinking will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
when they work in collaboration with other kids.
For instance
, in the game of football all eleven players have a role.
Therefore
, everyone needs to
be united
to conquer a match. In short, they'll
also
respect each other and never have
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
a arrogant
.

Nevertheless
, a child who spends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
also
tends to face challenges in adulthood.
In addition
, these young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bullied in their teenage. To illustrate, research by
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Columbia university
states eighty percent of depression victims are
mostly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who avoided group exercises as a child.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become extrovert
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when exposed to joint work.

To conclude
, young generation should always
be forced
to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of their age group. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in achieving a healthy life in later years.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
220 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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