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Some fast food restaurants and supermarkets support the school in order to promote their products. Is it positive or negative development for school and students? v.2

Some fast food restaurants and supermarkets support the school in order to promote their products. Is it positive or negative development for school and students? v. 2
In this challenging world, every businessmen are trying to promote their products or services in every possible way to amplify their business. Some schools believe that earning by promoting fast food outlets and supermarkets makes a constructive progress whilst some think it is deleterious for school and students. In my opinion, this statement has both positive and negative consequences and I tend to believe that it can affect both, negatively and positively for several reasons. First and foremost, extra funding helps for development of school and aiding students with better facilities. Schools can bring added facilities to students like digital boards, computer rooms, library, hiring qualified teachers for teaching foreign language and arts, introducing martial arts. This investment presumably will promote children’s progress during studying in school and apparently they will have a much more competitive advantage than other pupils. Indeed teachers will also be motivated by getting well paid. Additionally, schools can raise the spirits of students and prepare them to take part in competitive exams held between different schools and arrange prominent coaching in these competitions through skilled coach by paying a hefty amount of salary to them. Furthermore, super markets or fast food joints can attract new customers and stimulate their sales. Nowadays, instant food is cheaper than school canteen food, however, we cannot overlook the negative impacts of the same. Firstly, fast foods are rich in carbohydrates and sodium which hampers the health of growing child. These foods act like slow poison to deteriorate child’s health and later in life can convert in chronic diseases like Cancer. It is human nature to get addicted to bad things faster, similarly, children can get addicted to such foods which are not meant for daily consumption. In conclusion, the health of youth is wealth of nation and this must have utmost importance. Government should put restrictions on such goods which are harmful for students in long run. Schools should adopt other methods to raise funds which are not at the cost of student’s health.
In this challenging world, every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "businessman"?
businessmen
are trying to promote their products or services in every possible way to amplify their business.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
believe that earning by promoting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outlets and supermarkets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a constructive progress whilst
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is deleterious for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. In my opinion, this statement has both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences and I tend to believe that it can affect both,
negatively
and
positively
for several reasons.

First
and foremost, extra funding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
for development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and aiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with better facilities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
can bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
facilities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
like digital boards, computer rooms, library, hiring qualified teachers for teaching foreign language and arts, introducing martial arts. This investment presumably will promote children’s progress during studying in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
apparently
they will have a much more competitive advantage than other pupils.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Indeed
teachers will
also
be motivated
by getting well paid.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can raise the spirits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and prepare them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in competitive exams held between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and arrange prominent coaching in these competitions through skilled coach by paying a hefty amount of salary to them.
Furthermore
, super markets or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
joints can attract new customers and stimulate their sales.

Nowadays, instant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is cheaper than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
canteen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
however
, we cannot overlook the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of the same.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are rich in carbohydrates and sodium which hampers the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of growing child. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
act like slow poison to deteriorate child’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and later in life can convert in chronic diseases like Cancer. It is human nature to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
things faster,
similarly
, children can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
which are not meant for daily consumption.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of youth is wealth of nation and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have utmost importance.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should put restrictions on such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
which are harmful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in long run.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
should adopt other methods to raise funds which are not at the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some fast food restaurants and supermarkets support the school in order to promote their products. Is it positive or negative development for school and students? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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