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in some countries, fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.1

in some countries, fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 1
Localized businesses such as hotels and shopping-malls sometimes donates money to educational institutions for the sake of promotion. While some people might consider this act preposterous, I, however, believe that the drawbacks are eclipsed by the advantages which I will present in subsequent paragraphs. First of all, Money donated by these businesses helps in the development of schools, which otherwise would not have been possible by government funds. This means that the funds allocated by government can merely be used to cover the expenses leaving no possibility for expansion. Coca Cola, for example, took the responsibility for maintenance of schools in Sindh some of which were in devastated condition. Additionally, local companies sponsor events such as sports tournaments and science projects fair in institutions which leads students to exposure and help them groom for future by taking part in these contests. Secondly, this advertising stunt also provide information about latest products to adolescence and families which help them better reach their desired product. For example, Unilever promoted safeguard soup by conducting school to school tour and giving free samples and brochures to children providing information about anti-bacterial soup so that families understand its need. Furthermore, by the expansions of these small companies, society benefits overall as they increase job opportunities and new choices such as latest products and dining options, as it is always considered better to have variety of options available to choose from. For example, it is better to have food choices like Chinese, Turkish or Italian, rather than just desi food. In conclusion, by promoting products in school, not only the companies benefits by better reaching customers but also society gets facilitated by constructional expansion of schools, new events and increment in available jobs.
Localized businesses such as hotels and shopping-malls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
donates money to educational institutions for the sake of promotion. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might consider this act preposterous, I,
however
, believe that the drawbacks
are eclipsed
by the advantages which I will present in subsequent paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, Money donated by these businesses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, which
otherwise
would not have been possible by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
funds. This means that the funds allocated by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
merely
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to cover the expenses leaving no possibility for expansion. Coca Cola,
for example
, took the responsibility for maintenance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sindh
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of which were in devastated condition.
Additionally
, local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
sponsor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as sports tournaments and science projects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
in institutions which leads students to exposure and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them groom for future by taking part in these contests.

Secondly
, this advertising stunt
also
provide information about
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
to adolescence and families which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
reach their desired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
.
For example
, Unilever promoted safeguard soup by conducting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
tour and giving free samples and brochures to children providing information about anti-bacterial soup
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that families understand its need.
Furthermore
, by the expansions of these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, society benefits
overall
as they increase job opportunities and new choices such as latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and dining options, as it is always considered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
to have variety of options available to choose from.
For example
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
to have food choices like Chinese, Turkish or Italian,
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
Possible spelling mistake found.
desi
food.

In conclusion
, by promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
benefits by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
reaching customers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
facilitated by constructional expansion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and increment in available jobs.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay in some countries, fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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