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Some fast food restaurants and supermarkets support the school in order to promote their products. Is it positive or negative development for school and students? v.1

Some fast food restaurants and supermarkets support the school in order to promote their products. Is it positive or negative development for school and students? v. 1
Learning history is important because it helps us understand not only the present world but also avoid committing the mistakes of the past generations. I believe both local and world history are equally important. While local history enables children to learn about regional culture and politics, world history allows them to understand how global events shape their region. Local history is the history of one’s own ancestors living in the same geographical area. It helps children connect with the past and learn about the innumerable sacrifices the past generations made to create a vibrant present. For instance, Punjab’s history teaches Sikh children how their gurus made sacrifices to protect the residents from religious persecution of the Mughal government. Similarly, the local history of Mohanjodaro and Harappa civilizations teaches students how the forces of nature, if disturbed, can destroy human civilizations. It also teaches them about regional geography, culture, and religious identities. The world history complements the local history in helping a student understand the world. Undoubtedly, the present world is a product of the past, and future generations should avoid the mistakes of the past generations to create a sustainable ecosystem. For instance, understanding the reasons behind world wars and genocides helps students appreciate the need for an inclusive and consensus based approach to solving problems. Moreover, understanding past global events in other countries helps students understand the present problems in their locality. For example, the Great Depression of the 1930s and global financial crisis of 2008 had similar causes. Understanding these two financial events, separated by more than seven decades, will help students prevent future financial catastrophes. In conclusion, both global history and local history are important in shaping students’ understanding of the modern world. They are equally necessary for understanding the society and politics of a region along with preventing any future calamity.
Learning
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history
is
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important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
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helps
us
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understand
not
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only
the
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present
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world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
avoid committing the mistakes of the
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past
generations. I believe both
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local
and
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world
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history
are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
enables children to learn about regional culture and politics,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to
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understand
how
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global
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
shape their region.

Local
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history
is the
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history
of one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
ancestors living in the same geographical area. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
children connect with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
and learn about the innumerable sacrifices the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
generations made to create a vibrant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
present
.
For instance
, Punjab’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
teaches Sikh children how their gurus made sacrifices to protect the residents from religious persecution of the Mughal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Similarly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mohanjodaro
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Harappa
civilizations teaches
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students
how the forces of nature, if disturbed, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
human civilizations. It
also
teaches them about regional geography, culture, and religious identities.

The
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world
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history
complements the
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local
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history
in helping a
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student
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understand
the
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world
.
Undoubtedly
, the
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present
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world
is a product of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
, and future generations should avoid the mistakes of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
generations to create a sustainable ecosystem.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
understanding
the reasons behind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
wars and genocides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
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students
appreciate the need for an inclusive and consensus based approach to solving problems.
Moreover
,
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understanding
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past
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global
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in other countries
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helps
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students
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understand
the
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present
problems in their locality.
For example
, the Great Depression of the 1930s and
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global
financial crisis of 2008 had similar causes.
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Understanding
these two financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, separated by more than seven decades, will
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help
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students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
future financial catastrophes.

In conclusion
, both
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global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
and
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local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in shaping
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students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
understanding
of the modern
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world
. They are
equally
necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
understanding
the society and politics of a region along with preventing any future calamity.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some fast food restaurants and supermarkets support the school in order to promote their products. Is it positive or negative development for school and students? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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