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Some schools agree that fast food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that school benefit from it Is it a positive or a negative development v.2

Some schools agree that fast food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that school benefit from it Is it a positive or a negative development v. 2
Consuming convenient food and shopping habit has been rising among students on these days. It is argued that eateries and shopping centres can sale their products insides the school campus and therefore, the educational authority can earn a ready-made of money on it. However, I believe that this movement will seriously affect students career both physically and financially. To begin with, the school management can find the money from alternative way rather than run fa ast food outlet in school compound. In fact, students are often attracted ready made food like burger, pizza and French fries, so if it is available inside the premises pupils may purchase and consume it. As a result, the students become sick or ill and sometimes it certainly impacts on their studies too. This is because, certain food contains a myriad of fat, cholesterol and chemical substances which will ruin their physical growth significantly. Another problem is that though it brings immense benefits to the school authority, this facility will develop a financial burden to the students family. This is due to the fact that pupil will lure many products in shops like luxuries pen, dress, toys and computer games so that the parents should be pestered by their children to buy and utilize it. Thus, the parents find some extra money to get those products from shop and eventually, this trend will affect their financial stability in the future. For instance, in India, there is no shops inside the school campus as per the government’s strict law and order in order to avoid over shopping among schoolers. To conclude, it true that schools can generate money from restaurants and shops but this initiative will obviously make a tendency to develop unusual habits, materialistic culture and also it affects ones career as a whole.
Consuming convenient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and shopping habit has been rising among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
on these days. It
is argued
that eateries and shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
can sale their products insides the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
campus and
therefore
, the educational authority can earn a ready-made of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on it.
However
, I believe that this movement will
seriously
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
career both
physically
and
financially
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
management can find the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from alternative way
rather
than run fa
Possible spelling mistake found.
ast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outlet in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
compound. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
attracted
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
ready made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
like burger, pizza and French fries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if it is available inside the premises pupils may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
and consume it.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
become sick or ill and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it
certainly
impacts on their studies too. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contains a myriad of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, cholesterol and chemical substances which will ruin their physical growth
significantly
.

Another problem is that though it brings immense benefits to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authority, this facility will develop a financial burden to the
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "students'" or "student's"?
students
family.
This is due to the fact that
pupil will lure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
products in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
like luxuries pen, dress, toys and computer games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the parents should
be pestered
by their children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
and utilize it.
Thus
, the parents find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
those products from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
and
eventually
, this trend will affect their financial stability in the future.
For instance
, in India, there is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
inside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
campus as per the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
’s strict law and order in order to avoid over shopping among schoolers.

To conclude
, it true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can generate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from restaurants and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this initiative will
obviously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a tendency to develop unusual habits, materialistic culture and
also
it affects
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
career as a whole.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some schools agree that fast food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that school benefit from it Is it a positive or a negative development v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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