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Some experts believe that it is better for children to start learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

Some experts believe that it is better for children to start learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
There exists a controversy whether happiness among individuals is attributed to achievement in the economy. Some people, however, assert that a number of different underlying factors could be held responsible for people’s happiness. This essay would discuss both viewpoints, however, I am personally in all agreement with the latter one as more convincing and rational as for the following reasons. In the first place, there are some strong arguments supporting for the essential contribution of financial aspects towards exhilaration. Firstly, in today thriving and cooperative world, the economy is undeniably one of the most appealing sectors all around the globe, hence, successful businessmen as well as entrepreneurs would be receiving countless of praises and recognition worldwide. These elements hold an important role to play in terms of constituting one’s satisfaction, ultimately leading to happiness. Secondly, having obtained outstanding economic achievements would likely bring to people a great deal of money. During the era of materialism as witnessed nowadays, it could be quite worrying and even detrimental to people’s mental if having to think about their budget on a regular basis. Therefore, possessing a lot of money could secure a person an adequate and better life to lead, which also probably results in happiness. On the other hand, I favour the idea that a person’s contentment is a wonderful dish that is made of a wide range of ingredients. One striking factor is that to be with their beloved people. Many people prefer to be surrounded by their caring family or close friends or even supportive co-workers, which could give them a sense of integration, as a result, happiness. Another worth mentioning contributor is to be able to do what they have been long desiring for. Several examples could hold explanation for this, such as to have a dream house, to rear a lovely animal or to be able to work in an ideal occupation. Finally, simply by staying healthy and physically strong could also bring to people true happiness, as they could enjoy their life at its full and socialize with others when having a perfect health condition. In conclusion, I concur that happiness is not dependent on a single factor, but instead a manifold of other elements which usually exist in our daily life.
There exists a controversy whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
among individuals
is attributed
to achievement in the economy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
however
, assert that a number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
underlying factors could
be held
responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. This essay would discuss both viewpoints,
however
, I am
personally
in all agreement with the latter one as more convincing and rational as for the following reasons.

In the
first
place, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
strong arguments supporting for the essential contribution of financial aspects towards exhilaration.
Firstly
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
thriving and cooperative world, the economy is
undeniably
one of the most appealing sectors all around the globe,
hence
, successful businessmen
as well
as entrepreneurs would be receiving
Do not use "of" after "countless". Did you mean "countless praises"?
countless of praises
and recognition worldwide. These elements hold an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to play in terms of constituting one’s satisfaction,
ultimately
leading to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Secondly
, having obtained outstanding economic achievements would likely bring to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a great deal of money. During the era of materialism as witnessed nowadays, it could be quite worrying and even detrimental to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
mental if having to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their budget on a regular basis.
Therefore
, possessing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money could secure a person an adequate and better life to lead, which
also
probably
results in happiness.

On the other hand
, I
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that a person’s contentment is a wonderful dish that
is made
of a wide range of ingredients. One striking factor is that to be with their beloved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
be surrounded
by their caring family or close friends or even supportive co-workers, which could give them a sense of integration,
as a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Another worth mentioning contributor is to be able to do what they have been long desiring for. Several examples could hold explanation for this, such as to have a dream
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, to rear a lovely animal or to be able to work in an ideal occupation.
Finally
,
simply
by staying healthy and
physically
strong could
also
bring to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, as they could enjoy their life at its full and socialize with others when having a perfect health condition.

In conclusion
, I concur that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is not dependent on a single factor,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
instead
a manifold of other elements which
usually
exist in our daily life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some experts believe that it is better for children to start learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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