Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Employers sometimes ask people applying for the job for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful others disagree. Discuss both these v v.1

Employers sometimes ask people applying for the job for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful others disagree. 1
In modern life, the world is witnessing, particularly in some areas, an increasing number of adolescents while the percentage of the elder is rather low. While some argue that this newly existed phenomenon is of negative consequences, I am in all agreement that it brings more of favourable outcomes. In the first place, a growing population of juveniles seen in several nations nowadays could bring a heap of benefits. Firstly, this is a positive contributing factor towards the availability of the future workforce. In other words, a great number of developing countries would probably benefit from the abundance of labour force, enhancing the overall economic situation and boosting the national productivity. Secondly, since the younger generation is usually more energetic and creative compared to the previous one, their country would likely to receive the manifold of brilliantly innovative ideas related to, such as technology, productivity or education. This might be extremely advantageous for the future of a nation thanks to their invaluable contributions via the mentioned sectors. On the other hand, I personally agree that such a small proportion of senior citizens, which should be capped at a certain level, would be favourable for the national sustainable development. The first evident benefit is that, with a lower percentage of elderly people, the national capital and resources allocated for health care system and other services specialized in taking care of the elder would likely be curbed. Therefore, national budget could be well-spent on other important fields such as the environment or education. Another worth mentioning advantage is that young citizens would have to spend less time on looking after their aged relatives, hence, leaving them plenty more of time to concentrate on their work or studies. Consequently, they will probably have a brighter future for their own as well as, at a bigger scale and long-term vision, for the country’s sake. In conclusion, I am in favour of the idea that the growing number of adolescents is of benefit rather than doing harm on the national welfare for the above reasons.
In modern life, the world is witnessing,
particularly
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
areas, an increasing number of adolescents while the percentage of the elder is
rather
low. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that this
newly
existed phenomenon is of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences, I am in all agreement that it brings more of
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
outcomes.

In the
first
place, a growing population of juveniles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in several nations nowadays could bring a heap of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
.
Firstly
, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
contributing factor towards the availability of the future workforce. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, a great number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
would
probably
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
from the abundance of
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force, enhancing the
overall
economic situation and boosting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
national
productivity.
Secondly
, since the younger generation is
usually
more energetic and creative compared to the previous one, their country would likely to receive the manifold of
brilliantly
innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
related to, such as technology, productivity or education. This might be
extremely
advantageous for the future of a nation thanks to their invaluable contributions via the mentioned sectors.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that such a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
proportion of senior citizens, which should
be capped
at a certain level, would be
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
national
sustainable development. The
first
evident
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
is that, with a lower percentage of elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
national
capital and resources allocated for health care system and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
services specialized in taking care of the elder would likely
be curbed
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
national
budget could be well-spent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
fields such as the environment or education. Another worth mentioning advantage is that young citizens would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend less time on looking after their aged relatives,
hence
, leaving them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
more of time to concentrate on their work or studies.
Consequently
, they will
probably
have a brighter future for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
as well
as, at a bigger scale and long-term vision, for the country’s sake.

In conclusion
, I am in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the growing number of adolescents is of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
rather
than doing harm on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
national
welfare for the above reasons.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Employers sometimes ask people applying for the job for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful others disagree. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts