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Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school than secondary school? Do advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages v.1

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school than secondary school? Do advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages v. 1
There are many countries undergoing the period of young population nowadays. Even though that situation could bring some drawbacks in the future, I believe that the benefits it offers to the present are more prominent. On the one hand, a huge number of young adults will radically boost the domestic economy. If the national population is too old, the economy of that country will run into serious problems since the native workforce will be insufficient to undertake every position. Japan, for instance, is facing with the lack of workers because of the ageing population, therefore the government must employ laborers from other countries. It comes as no shock that the money those people earn will be taken to their home country rather than the adopted one. Besides, since children and retirees are unable to serve as the soldiers, strength of the military bases considerably on the numbers of adults. Having many people at working age indicates that the country has a powerful military on some points. On the other hand, a large number of young adults are predicted to put the authorities under the future economic pressure because this enormous generation, sooner or later, will retire and at that time they will be deemed burdens of the society. Those people need pension and health services such as hospitals and retirement houses, which costs a massive amount of money from the government. However, this problem might be solved if the government could take advantage of the taxes and insurances which senior citizens paid in the past or apply other methods. For example, Vietnam’s government accelerated working age, which substantially decreased the numbers of retirees and the money should have spent on them. In conclusion, a great deal of young adult has its pros and cons, however, from my point of view the former might outweigh the latter.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
undergoing the period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
population nowadays.
Even though
that situation could bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks in the future, I believe that the benefits it offers to the present are more prominent.

On the one hand, a huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
will
radically
boost the domestic economy. If the national population is too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, the economy of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will run into serious problems since the native workforce will be insufficient to undertake every position. Japan,
for instance
, is facing with the lack of workers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
population,
therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
employ laborers from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
as no shock that the money those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
earn will
be taken
to their home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
rather
than the adopted one.
Besides
, since children and retirees are unable to serve as the soldiers, strength of the military bases
considerably
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. Having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
at working age indicates that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has a powerful military on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
points.

On the other hand
, a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are predicted
to put the authorities under the future economic pressure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this enormous generation, sooner or later, will retire and at that time they will
be deemed
burdens of the society. Those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need pension and health services such as hospitals and retirement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
, which costs a massive amount of money from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
However
, this problem might
be solved
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could take advantage of the taxes and insurances which senior citizens paid in the past or apply other methods.
For example
, Vietnam’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
accelerated working age, which
substantially
decreased the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of retirees and the money should have spent on them.

In conclusion
, a great deal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adult has its pros and cons,
however
, from my point of view the former might outweigh the latter.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school than secondary school? Do advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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